Future leader of the free world?

Or Batman?

You decide.

Thank god Bush never went on vacation in Hawaii.

Damn it's cold.

So cold that there's ice on the stairs? CHECK

So cold that there's ice on the walkway? CHECK

So cold it's freaking snowing in the NAPA VALLEY??? CHECK friggin CHECK!

A light dusting of snow on Mount St Helena. Thursday, December 18th.

I LOL'd

I LOL'd right out loud when I saw this.

Seriously, I can't control my laughter and I don't know why. Happy Friday

The end of an era....

When I was in the 3rd grade I only wanted one thing, an American Girl Doll. Samantha Parkington, to be very specific. I read all the books for all the American Girls but Samantha was by far my favorite. I spent hours pouring over the American Girl catalog marking my preferred Samantha set up and leaving it about the house for my Mom to find, hoping she would get the hint.

Finally, after a very disappointing non-Samantha filled birthday, I struck a deal with my parents. If I finished all of my times tables by Christmas break I could have Samantha. Before the dancing an twirling about begins, I should say that I am very very VERY bad a math and this is no exaggeration. The tables where a challenge but beginning September 11, 1987 I set about making them my bitch. I studied harder than any third grader should, often forgoing playing outside after school to work on the Tables. Samantha was more important than playtime. I was a child truly obsessed.

After weeks of studying and testing I finally passed my 12th and final table. After which I completely forgot what 12 times anything but 5 is. (Hey I told you I'm not into math, no judging!) I rode my Huffy bike home after school as fast as my vans could pedal, leaving my two younger brothers and their lame-o BMX bikes in the dust. I ran into the house triumphant, waving the 12th and final times table ditto over my head. Had I known the ditty "We are the Champions" I would have been singing it, unfortunately Queen didn't enter my life until much further down the line. I handed the paper to my mom and ran to my room for the American Girl catalog, today was the day Samantha would be mine! And she was, my mom placed the order that afternoon. Imagine my disappointment when I learned it would take 2-3 weeks for her to arrive!

From that day on I checked the porch for my Samantha box everyday. Being a girl just newly 7 years old I had no concept of how UPS works or the fact that tracking numbers existed. Had I known UPS would have for sure known me by name. After just about 2 weeks the magic day came. As I skreeched my Huffy to a halt in front of the house I saw it, the box on the porch, Samantha was finally here!! I threw my Huffy on the lawn and raced for the porch to collect my treasure. I swooped up the box and dashed inside the house coming to a crashing halt in the middle of the living room, yelling for my Mom with uncontrollable excitement. Mom mom helped me carefully open the box, freeing Samantha from her packaging. She was amazing and she looked just like all of her pictures. I was in total shock. I sat there on the living room floor holding Samantha for the rest of the afternoon. Matter of fact, I don't think she really left my side for the next several months. She cam to Thanksgiving, our family Christmas Party, Christmas (complete with a gift or 2 from "santa") and I think she even banged some pots and pans with me on New Years Eve.

A few days ago, my Mom asked me about Samantha. She said that people were selling their American Girl dolls on eBay for mucho dinero and wondered if I had checked to see the value of my doll. Naturally I checked as soon as I got back to my computer. Much to my surprise I made two very shocking discoveries....1) Original Samantha's (pre-Matel) are worth over $300 and 2)American Girl is retiring Samantha Parkington this year! I can't believe they are retiring such a wonderful Doll! Good thing I'll have my Samantha for future Wood girls to enjoy and I'll never have to say goodbye to such a wonderful childhood friend.

Joe is a toolbag.

We all have heard and seen this freakin' tool bag Joe the Plumber. I'm not going to lie, I don't know him but I hate him....seriously I do. I could care less about his political leanings or his view on Obama's tax plan. This guy is a total deadbeat media whore and I can't believe anyone, **cough McCain cough**, would want to align themselves with him. My point was proven yesterday when Mr. Douchey-McToolbag stood up his new BFF at his Stump speech. Let's just put it this way, given his track record if John McCain was picking a dodge ball team the best players would actually get picked last. But yeah, go ahead and vote for his dumb ass Joe, show America how to be a real man.

We all know toolbags love the spotlight, so now that he's all famous and stuff (although his fame is nearing an end with the election only 5 days away) I'd bet $20 that Joe the Toolbag does one of the following in the next few months....

a) Goes on some sort of reality TV. Surreal Life, The Apprentice, Amazing Race.....something that man is a TV whore.

b) Comes out with an album and goes on tour with K-Fed.

c) Dates Lindsay Lohan. If anyone can take him away from Sam Joe can.

If he was realistic he would shut his freakin' pie hole and just be happy with the fact that he will be both a question AND and answer in the next release of Trivial Pursuit.

We rule...

Not even Martha would think of theme costumes this awesome. Ladies and gentleman, I give you the Chateau Loco Lawn Ornaments.....

(Garden Fairy, Pink Flamingo, Lawn Gnome, Virgin Mary, Flower, Lawn Jockey)

It melts Lori's heart....

When I hold babies.

Sorry Lor, I wouldn't put any money on it ever being my own baby that I'd be holding. But Neeta-Colleen's wee one and I are pretty cute! I like him cuz' he's got a thing for beer.....

And the Blame goes to....

Dear Mr. F150 Driver,

Thank you so much for deciding to take the law into your hands and chase down the hoodlums who broke your windshield. It's citizens like you that are really keeping the crime down in these parts.

Thanks for driving WAY over the speed limit on Big Ranch Road. After all, speed limit signs have no meaning once you've taken the law into your own hands.

Gracias for losing control of your overly pimped out truck, jumping over the middle divider and slamming into the car in front of me. I'm sure your girlfriend was super impressed with your mad skills.

Big thumbs up for doing whatever it was you did to rip the bottom bumper off the front of my car, that took some real talent. Stan really appreciates it, why would he want to have that extra protection anyway..... now he might be light enough to street race.

Oh and I can't say how happy I am with the searing back pain you've given me or the fact that I get to deal with my lovely insurance agent. I'm thrilled, no really I can't thank you enough.

On the upside, I've discovered Absolute New Orleans is an excellent pain killer. :)

While the rest of us toil away....

Brother Blake gets his drink on

and kills stuff real good in sunny Mexico......

Sometimes life just isn't fair. No, I'm not jealous or bitter that he's on a sweet vacation...not at all, working is awesome.

Martha Weekend Update & Fig Jam

Figs picked: 2 large bowls

Jars of jam made: 30

Loads of laundry done: 5

Minutes spent vacuuming up spiders: More than I'd like to count

Martini's downed: several

Overall: One Successful Martha Weekend

I kicked off my weekend making jam. Which I was pretty stoked about, I even got out of bed on a Saturday before noon on my own will to take this endeavor on (shocking to those that truly know me, I know). First I harvested some figs from our GIGANTOR fig tree outside the house. I would be surprised if that thing is a day under 50. This was a challenge as there were some spots where my little foot stool would sink into the grass causing me to topple over (stop snickering). But after about a half an hour or so I had two full bowls of delicious figs.

Once inside I set up camp in the kitchen and started peeling figs, which was fun at first but as the hours wore on became quite tiresome. Luckily I recruited a roommate or two to help me, after all Martha needs her minions! Once the figs were peeled and chopped the cooking process could begin. Carefully I measured out 6 cups of figs and 7 cups of sugar!!! Mixed in some pectin, lemon juice and cinnamon....BAM! You've got yourself some jam baby!!! After jarring it up I spent the next several hours on the couch, beer in hand feeling very satisfied with myself. Fig Jam for everyone this Christmas!!

Getting my Martha on

I will be attempting to make Fig Jam this weekend. Our two huge fig trees are just bursting with fruit right now so what better time to try right. This will be my first attempt a canning anything so it should be pretty interesting to say the least! I feel so Martha Stewart I can hardly stand myself.....and I like it.

Full report on the Fig Jam adventure ASAP. It's a good thing.

Weekend Wrap-up

Two days in SF....with a hookah on top!

Transportation is an issue for me...it's right up there with being on time and oversleeping. Some days I swear I'm shocked that I manage to get myself out of the house at all..... Saturday I started off my day by oversleeping (no big surprise there) and missing the 9am ferry I had intended to take into San Francisco, being a modern woman I adjusted my plan and settled for shooting for the 11:30 instead. A small change in plans never hurt anyone right? So, after managing to get myself out the door with 30 minutes to make it to the ferry, off I go bee-boppin' down the road. Or so I thought...no sooner had I turned out of my driveway than my gas light came on, double damn. I whipped into the station closest the house and filled little Stanley up, also treating him to a much needed window washing really her needs a full body scrub down but there was no time for that, windows had been a big enough luxury. Back in the car, it's now 11:05 and I'm breaking several speed limits trying to get my happy ass down to Vallejo to catch the damn ferry. All is going well until I hit traffic, caused by some dumb girl and her 2008 Honda Civic who rear ended a delivery truck. As I rubbernecked my way past the scene I glared at the tearful little idiot as she cried into her sell phone. Then I checked my clock 11:31.... damn no ferry for me today, I quickly made a detour to Hwy 37 toward San Francisco.


When you work at a speakeasy...apparently it give you license to be a stuck up BITCH to your customers. We had an hour and a half reservation at Bourbon and Branch on Saturday night. All of us were really excited and had picked out two rounds worth of drinks to try from their extensive and unique drink menu. Little miss bitchy waitress had other ideas though. We got one round of drinks and never saw her again until she dropped the check and velvet hammered us out of our booth. This is after we watched her yell at another patron for knocking on the library door with too much gusto, apparently she had not heard about the speakeasy rule to speak easy. It was a valiant effort at a good time but not so much. Errr....


Follow your local bike messenger...to a place filled with free flowing beer and outstanding tamales. After our failure at B&B we grabbed a cab out of the Tenderloin over to Zeitgiest. a fantastic dive bar in the mission. Gotta love a dive bar that prides itself on the fact that it's a dive bar. One round of Tequilla shots and 2 pitchers of beer later we were all well on our way to being happily drunk. We also tried the local fare, which included delicious grilled cheese sandwiches made by a dancing chef and tamales from the Tamale Lady. Umm delicious! Loved every moment of our cheese tamale! We also had a run in with some hotsauce that would bring the manliest of manly men to his knees.


When in Oktober....you must Fest. Sunday we hit up Oktoberfest by the Bay. Super fun as always. I have to say I prefer going Sunday to the other days because the craziness is a little less intense. True to tradition we drank giant beers, yelled many a prost, and played drinking games to our hearts content. Oktoberfest is the best holiday ever.


Feel free to......drop a donation in the basket or the performers clothing. Says the man who announces the belly dancers at the most awesome place I've been in quite sometime. Cafe Kan Zaman in the Haight. The theme is Middle Eastern and food here was fan-frickin-tastic and we enjoyed it while sitting on pillows. The minty ricey grape leaf thingeys were to die for and the lamb musaka was amazing. The crowning moment of the night was our Melon flavored hookah that we enjoyed after dinner. It's been a long time hookah, oh how I've missed you.

Shhhhh....

Speakeasy.

I'm super excited! We are going to the Bourbon & Branch Speakeasy in SF on Saturday night!! I so can't wait, it's going to be awesome. Full report laters......


www.bourbonandbranch.com

Listen here....

you clippy shoed bastards! That's right I'm talking at all you damn road bikers out there. Nothing sends me into a blind rage quicker than a pack of you self entitled a-holes riding four across in MY LANE!!! Think I'm unjustified? Here's my list of annoying ass shit that you do to prove my point.

1. The Outfits. No grown person needs to be wearing that much spandex in public. This goes double for all you sicko's over the age of 30 that think this bike apparel is for everyone. Umm it's not, and really I don't think you need to wear something so offensive outside of some sort of race. I've seen enough old man junk outlines in the past week to keep me for a lifetime. Fricken gross man, ewwww. And the butt pads? That the hell is that? If you are doing something that hurts your ass so bad you have to wear a pad maybe it's not such a good idea to begin with. Only exceptions will be made for Olympic bike racers, winner of the Tour de France and Michael Phelps (what can I say the boy does look amazing in a speedo). This crap is just a big FU to fashion and I refuse to condone it.

2. The Clippy Shoes. I realize is still a part of the outfit but these things are so awful and offensive I feel the need to give them there own category. In case you haven't noticed these things are f-ing annoying. Every time I hear the tippy tapping of the shoes coming behind me I know there is some annoying ass road biker looking to mooch water and not buy any wine. Also, what's wrong with normal shoes and normal bike petals? Do the clippy shoes make you faster?

3. The Lack of Common Courtesy. That's right I said it, you people are rude. You ride 4 across on busy mountain roads. You give dirty looks and/or the finger to cars when they get within 5 feet of you, pardon me for not wanting the cross over a double yellow line so you can continue swerving your merry ass all over the road. On top of that, you come into places smelling like a freakin' refugee, do us all a favor an wear deodorant.

4. You don't own the world b/c you own a bike. I know that this may be a hard concept for most of you to grasp but it's true. NO ONE cares that you road bike. NO ONE thinks it's cool. NO ONE wants to deal with serving your smelly, clippy shoed, spandex clad ass and answering your stupid questions.

5. Napa is not France. Yes we have some similarities to France but we are not them. Nor do we support your Tour de France wannabe endeavors. Every year it's the same crap, the Tour comes on and people bust out there bike and start riding roads they have no business on like they are Lance Fucking Armstrong. Trust me you will not be "Living Strong" when you get run off the road off a cliff on Montecello Road. Same thing on Silverado Trail and Highway 29. These are DANGEROUS ROADS people! You have zero right of way here, none. So stop complaining about it. You don't complain about having a bike path on I-5 and that's a pretty major road. Just because you want to enjoy the beauty of Napa from your bike seat does not mean you get to f-up everyone elses day.

Walk talk into the fire....

Play with fire and you will get burned....an old adage that I find to not always be true. Granted playing with fire may leave you a bit singed and quite possibly leave a hole or two in your favorite sweater but necessarily burned per say.

I've been thinking about this whole "playing with fire" thing a lot lately, trying to pinpoint when one decides it's OK to do things that they know aren't a good decision. It starts small, like buying fancy soap because it smells better, even though the regular soap smells just fine. Or enjoying a cigarette, despite the fact that it's a disgusting habit and sure to kill you, but you only do it when you drink so somewhere it's justified. Flirt with someone who's attached just to see what happens. See how far you can push until your world bursts into flames. Millions of tiny rebellions over the years that eat away at your moral core. Then, one day you wake up and you realize just how many little moral compromises you've made to become who you are today. Try as you may to justify them there's no putting it all to rights again.

So confession time. Have I played with fire? Yes. Did I get burned? Not bad enough to leave any permanent scars. Would I do it again? Yes, in a heartbeat. Will I do it again? Every chance I get. Why? Because I can. And there my friends, there lies the number one benefit to adulthood.....because I can. Liberating is it not?

Most Bad-Ass present ever...

Best birthday present ever!!!! And fun for the whole family. I heart them hardcore, I'm just counting the days til we can try them out at the A's tailgate next season!!

Check then out - http://cacornhole.com/jacki/

Thanks A-Law n' K-Diddles!

The Most Beautiful Bride of the Season!

One can only aspire to be this put together. :)

My two BFF's from college got married this weekend! She was the prettiest bride ever and I, of course, was a bridesmaid. This was by far one of the best weddings ever! Aside from the bride looking amazing and my fellow bridesmaids giggling through the whole ceremony, the bride and her sisters preformed "the lift" a la Dirty Dancing!

Congratulations A & J! Love you both!

Tequila and International Law Enforcement.

A brief overview of my first to days in Mexico.....

Sunday
5pm - Arrived at Shady Mexican resort.
5:05 pm - Checked into Resort, receive drinking bracelet.
5:06pm - Inquired why there were men with guns outside.
5:07pm - Was informed there was a Mexican police Officers conference @ the resort.
8 pm - Freaked out b/c Benita was lost and got ready to call the American consulate.
8:01pm - Found Benita and cried. Went in search of tequila.
10pm - Wondered why the Mexican police men always walk around with their LARGE guns at the ready.
10:01 pm - Questioned my safety
11pm - Locked myself in my room and passed out due to travel exhaustion.

Monday
10am- Met Benita poolside and started drinking beers 2 at a time.
11am - Got into the pool and started drinking Tequila & Beer (yes that counts as one cocktail, don't judge me!)
11:05am - began making new friends at the pool while drinking Tequila & Beer.
5pm - Got out of the pool to find Benita, who has once again disappeared.
7pm - Passed out due to in take of Tequila & Beer.

I love being on vacation

A cruel joke.

OK, Just got home form wedding #3 of the season. Feel free to tell me if I'm out of line here but I was a little bit offended when I saw this "thing" sitting where my Champagne glass was supposed to be.

OK, I'm not being petty here but LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THE CHAMPAGNE GLASS????? It's TINY like a little elf glass! I also should inform you that it's sitting next to an 8 oz wine glass and it still looks tiny!! WTF??

Roller Coasters, Pink wigs and Kareoke Bars

As you all know I've been on the wedding circuit for the past several months, no scratch that...past several years. Bridal showers, brunches, rehearsal dinners, bachelorette parties pre-wedding, post-wedding, wedding wedding wedding!!! This past weekend was no different, spent the same way every other weekend of my single existence, at a Bachelorette party. This one was thrown by my good friend Benita, who has turned out to the MOH (that's Maid of Honor for all you lucky non wedding goers) de juor.


The day started by picking up the bride at 8am, and hour I've been seeing WAY to often for a Saturday these days, then waiting for a half an hour for one of the bridesmaids to arrive. Can't blame her, it was a Saturday after all. Once everyone was wrangled into the car we set course for Great America for a day of rollercoasters and sneeky binge drinking. We arrived a hour late but Benita greeted us with fancy Bachelorette tank tops anyway. After donning our new duds we headed into the park camelpacks loaded with delicious booze.


After a few rides, Benita treated us all to a wonderful tri-tip sandwich picnic (and of course more cocktails) out in the parking lot. It was a fantastic time and WAY more affordable than the food inside the park, I highly recommend the parking lot picnic to all amusement park goers. Once we were all stuffed to the gills we headed back in for just one or two more rides before calling it a day. We hit up Top Gun (now called flight deck.....LAME) for our last ride of the day, it's still my favorite roller coaster ever. SO MUCH FUN.



We rolled back to the hotel for the free happy hour and helped ourselves to the free popcorn and 3 free drinks each. We even talked the bartendress into making us doubles. Once we polished off our cocktails Benita rounded us all up and back to the rooms. Once in our room Benita handed me a bag filled with the nights "goodies". I took one peek in the and fell in love with the neon pink wig on the top of the bag. I snatched it out and had it only head before you could say here comes the bride. "Benny I'm totally wearing this!" I shouted as I went to go get the girls in the other room as fired up about the night as I was. I topped my out fit off with a black dress (complete with plenty-o-cleavage) and some 4 inch heels.


The party, now clad in neon wigs and feather boa's, rolled out to the Cheesecake factory for a very late dinner. We waited almost 45 minutes for a table, this is after Diana (name not changed b/c she's a bitch) would not let us make a reservation over the phone, we were moved to waiting area #2 where we waited another 10 minutes to be seated. One can only imagine my level of annoyance at this point. Finally we got to out table to be greeted by a lovely young man named Tim (again name not changed, but b/c he was awesome). Tim and Benita hit it off very well and the troubles of getting a table were son forgotten.

Dinner and several cocktails later (thanks Timmy for keeping the booze train on track) we teetered out of the Cheesecake Factory onto the streets of San Jose. MOH Benita lead us all into downtown San Jo to the worlds tiniest, most local karaoke bar ever! Allow me to set the scene, 8 bachelorettes, dolled up for a night on the town roll into a "fancy" dive bar where drunken Google employees are belting out "Crocodile Rock" at the top of there lungs. I was unaware that is was possible to sign that song out of tune but somehow they managed it. So sticking out like sore thumbs we wiggled our way to the bar and got drinks preparing ourselves to show up the Google IT department. Then, much to our shigrin, we learned the the Karaoke list was full for he night. BUST! We then downed our cocktails and teetered back to the cars to go back to the Hotel for our own Karaoke party.

Once we got back to the hotel we were all asleep in less than a half hour. How lame are we? Sucks getting old!

Rocco @ the Utah

Can we pause for a minute and talk about how FANTASTIC Rocco Deluca is? Seriously, let's take a moment.

Hit up the second Residency show at The Utah in SF on Tuesday night. If you haven't been run, don't walk to grab tickets for the last show next Tuesday 8/26. I'll be there against my better judgement.

We walked in early to get a table in the front and to my surprise and delight there he was! Just standing out amoung the people shooting the breeze! What an awesome guy right? Anyway, we sat through the opening groups, they were OK. Then on comes Rocco and for the next 45 minutes the entire house was in rapture. Loved it all and can't wait to go back fro show #3 next week!

4 Dresses going on 27....

"Which do you like better, Christmas or Wedding Season?"

Christmas.......... hands freaking down Christmas! With my collection of dresses taking up an ever increasing amount of space in my closet I beg the question, why? Why do this to your friends? I know being in a wedding is an honor and I'm happy to do it for my friends and family, but come on!?!?! Weddings and the amount of $$ spent on them is getting out of control. The amount of Money I spend on then is out of control.

And this has brought me to a major life decision, I will not be having a wedding. That's right, me and whoever are just going to run off and do it. On attendants, just us and maybe some family and close friends. The budget will be less than what most folks spend on their crappy DJ. We'll have a simple party later to celebrate. You all can thank me now or later, it's up to you.

I am the Law Enforcement whisperer.....

"One who talks sweet does not have an enemy and is blessed with plentiful of wealth and good fortune. ”

- Riq Veda

I'm not one to boast but I have come to believe that I have the most amazing talent in the world (or I'm just amazingly lucky, either way it's pretty sweet). In my 11 years of driving in this precious little town of Napa I've been pulled over 8 times and only received 1 ticket. And I can tell you honestly that every single one of those times I have deserved a ticket, and expected to get one. But for some reason the men and women of the Napa Police and Sheriffs Departments will not give me a ticket. It's a miracle! If you are from Napa, you will know that this is a feat akin to Moses parting the Red Sea. The Napa Fuzz is hardcore!

Saturday, July 5th. 9:45pm

After stopping to watch some lovely fireworks along the Silverado Trail my friends an I were bee-boppin' down the Silverado Trail when suddenly, out of nowhere, there's a big white fluffy demon dog in the road. AHHHH! I swerve to avoid hitting it and punch it to get the heck outta there. My heart is now pumping about a kagillion miles a minute and I continue to step on the gas, we're now speeding down the Silverado Trail in excess of 80mph. We just pass Darioush when my heart rate returns to normal.

Two minutes from home, I'm breathing easy now but still speeding. I glance in my rear view mirror to see the all too familiar lights of Napa's Finest. I take my foot off the gas and cruise on over tot the side of the road. I dig for my license while Jerome (yeah that's a fake name) digs through my glove compartment for my registration.

**TAP TAP TAP***

"Where's the fire young lady?" Very upset looking officer says leaning over my driver side window.

"Home." I say, my voice filled with 'please don't take me to jail'.

"I'm going to need you license and registration..."

I hand him my ID, proof of insurance and registration looking very shameful. He walks back to his cruiser to check them. I take a deep breath and look over at my passengers and tell them, "I'm for sure going to get a ticket......" The car is silent and the Officer returns to the window.

"Please step out of the car Miss."

HO-LY CRAP!!! I can't believe it, I'm going to jail, oh crap oh crapity shit fuck.......

"Now step over her and we are going to do a little test. Feet and ankles together and I want you to follow the tip of my pen with your eyes......" Says the Officer while he shines his bright ass flashlight in my face. Keep in mind this guy looks like Officer Farva from Super Troopers, meow. He starts the test and I LOCK my eyeballs onto the pen cap following side to side, up and down and in a circle until it kind of hurts. "Alright you can go back to your car."

Flashlight down and I can breathe again. I scurry back to my car leaving him with a very shameful "thank you". I get back in the car and turn to my friends "The good news is I'm not drunk." I get two very tentative smiles but that's good enough given the situation.

I hear the Officer's footsteps coming back toward the car and turn to the window to become nose to paper with my ID, Insurance and registration. I slowly take them back from him, again looking very very shameful. Then the magic happens "I'm going to save you a couple hundred dollars since you've been so nice. You just try and keep it under the speed of sound."

IT'S A 5th of July MIRACLE!!!
Bless you Officer Farva you big beautiful man!!!

Then I drove my ever so slightly buzzed ass home. :)

Moral of the Story:

Saying thank you, even if it's to The Man from time to time, will get you out of a jam 99% of the time.

Best advice I've ever recieved....

"In the interest of your girlfriend, I'm no longer interested." SEND.

Thanks Benita. Mad love for your call'in it like it is.

Pirates and Public Transit....

About a week ago I was riding MUNI to the A's/Giants game in San Francisco. All was going well, Benita and I had stopped for Champagne Brunch at Fresca on Fillmore (which FYI, no longer serves bottomless mimosas) and split a bottle of Cava making us both feel quite lively. We be-bopped onto the train without a care in the world ready for a day at the ballpark. We had just grabbed two available seats when I saw him......sitting just 4 rows away was a man dressed in FULL ON PIRATE GARB! We are talking sword, ruffle shirt, eye patch and everything!

"Is that a fucking pirate?" I asked poking Benita.

Benita looked up and focused a drunk eye on the buccaneer, "Yes, that does appear to be a pirate."

"Fair enough." I said going about the business of texting my Lame-o Giant fan friends about the A's pending victory.

Turns out pirate sightings are lucky, the A's swept the series with the Giants that day.

Pour some Vodka on it.

"I thought I'd still be in extreme pain. But I feel nothing.
I'd like some more nothing. [Miranda pours her some more Skyy
vodka]"

- Carrie Bradshaw

I'll drink to that Carrie! Just goes to show, when your world goes pear shaped and you don't think you can deal the best course of action is to drown the problem in sweet sweet vodka. And if that's true, I'm a fucking fire fighter. And no, I don't see anything wrong with it so do me a solid get off you anti-alcohol soap box.

You see, I've realized that the aftermath of a bad or failed relationships can go on of two ways 1) The Depression or 2) The Vodka. I've found the Vodka works best for me. Why bother being depressed when you can just stun the brain sensless with Vodka (or your drink of choice) and be the life of the party? I feel it works out best for everyone. The injured party is not a big crying mess, and is instead always up for hitting the bars. And, in most cases, is far more likely to end up dancing on some sort of table. What could be more fun than that?

Death to the Golden Rule.

All my life I've been an obscenely good person, in my opinion anyway. I try to help out where I can and treat everyone how I would like to be treated. My family raised me to be careful and respectful of other people and their feelings. You know, the Golden Rule...."do on to others as you would have done to you." Recently I have decided that the Golden Rule is just a big steamy pile of crap made up by someone somewhere along the line to keep children from beating the crap out of each other on the playground. It doesn't work in real life. Why you ask? Because people are fundamentally selfish, that's why.

My own brother has been on the outs with my family because he's been so self centered lately. It's all about him, what makes him happy, what he wants......pisses everyone off. Today I realized that he's got it right. Why bother putting time and energy into other people that are just going to disappoint you in the end by not showing you the same consideration? It's pointless and to be totally honest pretty fucking hurtful.

So today I've decided that there is nothing wrong with always looking out for ole' numero uno. I've been considerate and nice for too long with nothing to show for it. Sorry Golden Rule, but it's time I start putting me first and quit just expecting other people to do the right thing by me. Is it selfish? YES. Is wrong? NO. Do I care what you think? NOT ANYMORE.

Walking away from crazy....

I wasn't sure I was ready to move when I agreed to all of this business. I mean, the house I had was great and moving is awful. But I did it, despite my better judgement and my very last few minutes at the old house let me know that I made The right choice.

After days of packing, loading and unloading the move was finally complete. I packed the last few odds and ends along with my cleaning supplies into the truck and took on last look around the old digs. I'll admit, at this point I was getting a little emo. I had had a lot of good times in that place, lots of memories. Then crazy decided to strike...

I turned around to see the old woman from across the street coming over with her dog. Crap! I had made eye contact, there was no way out of this conversation. I smiled and gave her one last friendly neighborhood greeting.

Crazy Lady: "Do you own this place?"
Me: "Um, no my parents do. Did you need something?"

CL: "I need to speak to the landlord, who do I speak to?"
Me: "You can speak to me, I'm the property manager. What is it?" Slowly backing away....

CL: "There was someone moving here late last night and my bricks are gone."
Me: "That was my roommate. Are you implying that she stole your bricks?"

CL: "Those bricks were a barrier to keep the speeders off my property, it's not safe you know. Speeding. I just want to keep the neighborhood safe."
Me: "Well, I can assure you that none of us took you bricks. As you've seen we have enough stuff to move as it is."

CL: "I bet it was that man the rummages on our street, he used to work for Mr. ______ and now he rummages. I know because Mr. _____ told me and I know him personally.......well, not intimately, I'm a married woman."
Me: "Okaaaaay. Well, it was nice talking with you. I need to get back to moving. Thanks for keeping the neighborhood safe."

CL:"I have to apologize, I don't have my teeth in. They are new and they hurt."
Me: "Oh, ahhh....That's OK."
CL: "I have to keep the kids out of the street and make that dog (referring to the other neighbor's dog) stop barking. His owner was killed you know. And I was going to take him but he;s too much for me to handle you know....."
Me: "Yeah he is pretty loud. Well, like I said back to moving. You have a good day."
CL: "Joe! Oh Joe! we nee dot keep that new dog of yours quiet." As she wanders off to the other neighbors house.

And that sealed the deal, I no longer miss that house or the crazy ass neighbors.

Battle: Theme Gift

I have a good friend, we will call her Benita. Benita and I have been friends since junior high. Like any duo we have had our good times and bad, shared memories, hope dreams and what not. But underneath it all we have always been somewhat competitive, which in my mind is healthy. We started small time though, with who could get better grades or think of the best prank to play on a Saturday night. Eventually the game has just become who can get the most out of life, which again I think is pretty darn healthy. Gotta love a competition where good mental health is a factor. :)

That said there has always been one thing that has been the Battle Royale of sorts for us. This would be the theme gift. Theme gift giving is an art form when down right. It's the perfect balance between the practical and the ridiculous. I think Benita started it way back in the day when I received a whole bucket of things for a movie night, then there was the all leopard Christmas present, the "Always wear sunscreen" graduation gift......the list goes on and on. I got to give it to Benita, she knows how to put together a nice present. This Christmas, however, when I opened my garden gnome (whom I fondly call Alfred because he's riding a frog) with matching gnome pj pants, gnome gum and I think there was even I gnome card, I knew I had to trump her and I had 2 months til her birthday to do it. Battle Theme Gift was on like Donkey Kong!

The Idea: This is the most important part of the theme gift. It must be clever, whitty, useful and somewhat ridiculous. This took days of plotting, surfing the internet for inspiration......then one day on my way home from work it happened. As I sat behind the oldest, slowest driver in all of Napa I glanced over to see a yard covered in PINK FLAMINGOS. "How delightfully tacky" I thought to myself as I studied the flock of plastic birds. Then I was hit with a revolation, a mission handed down from the Gods, I had to buy Benita an entirely Pink Flamingo gift. The theme has been set, let the games begin.

It's hard to find a classy flamingo: OK, I'll admit it, my obsession with lawn art is a bit out of control. But I had never ventured into flamingos before, they were just too......well.......PINK. But for the Benita gift there was no flamingo too pink. My original idea, had work not been ruining my social life was to drive down to her house and COVER HER LAWN IN FLAMINGOS. Nothing like waking up to 75 weird pink plastic birds in your yard. Come on now, that shit's funny! But I digress, back to the hunt for a classy flamingo. I first searched Target, not a flamingo to be found. Then WalMart......nada. Finally I turned to my friend the internet, surely there is some freak out there who sells nothing but flamingos for a living, BINGO! I found a lovely set of 2 pink flamingos for the low low price of just $6 (thank you amazon.com)! Score. I also found a flamingo book, flamingo party lights, a flamingo sign, flamingo grill gear and a mini flamingo set for the office. And that was just what I purchased! They also had a set of holiday flamingo outfits so that one could dress their flamingo according to the season. Why wouldn't a plastic bird need a scarf? It's cold out there in December!

The Presentation: This was very important. For almost two weeks I waited as the flamingo's slowly started to arrive. Each day I would get home and a new box with another piece of crazy flamingo art would appear. Finally when I had it all it was time to wrap and, as we well know, there is only one way toe wrap pink Flamingos........IN BRIGHT PINK PAPER!! So I wrapped each box in the brightest most crazy pink paper I could find (thank you Target) and stacked them in a fashion only to appreciated by the wrapping elves at Harry and David. Finishing it off with a glorious Green ribbon the gift was complete!

The BIG GIVE: I had to wait week before I saw Bentia to give her her gift so for weeks this pink mountain of flamingo boxes sat in my living room. They made for quite the conversation piece to be honest, I got everything from "what the F is that?" to "WOW who's having a baby Martha Stewart?" Finally, the day came. I was so excited and I little scarred, I mean what if Bentia hated the flamingos? Then again who could hate flamingos I mean, they are pink and there for awesome.

When Benita got to the house I ushered her directly to the pink mountain. "OPEN!" I commanded, oozing pride in my gift wrap abilities. Bentia opened the first, tiniest box. A Flamingo Lawn art office set. She laughed, silly girl had no idea what was in store for her. Second box, Flamingo patio lights. Third Flamingo Lounge sign......Fourth Flamingo Lawn Art book....Fifth Flamingo BBQ set and apron......Sixth and final two beautiful Pink Lawn flamingos! Benita just looked at me overwhelmed, "touche, my friend, touche. I tip my theme gift hat to you."

WINNER: ME!! On account of Flamingo Overkill!

Rage Against The Man.

I love my job......most of the time. It's a good job. It's fun, challenging, in a great industry, blah blah blah. But there are some days though. Days it make me want to give the man (from this point forward please think of "the man" as the boss man or the business) the finger, sell everything I own and become a vagabond. There's days where I honestly look at myself and ask "What the f$%* are you doing here? Why do you put up with this S#$% for so little return?" It those days when I look at those people who are 35 and have nothing to show as accomplishments but great stories and stamps in their passport and think that they have it all right.

I can't say that I choose to do what I do it's a labor of love because it's truly not, I don't think you can love something that's not yours and you definitely can't love something that belongs to the man. What's the point in putting so much of yourself into something just to have the man make you feel insignificant. Looking at it all now I would have to call it a labor of need, I need to feel like I 'm making a difference, like I'm making things better than they were before and I need to feel success in spite of the man. And wanting to succeed in spite of the man is what fuels my fire, keeping me hard at work with no stamps in my passport and more clothes than I will ever have room for in my closet.

Maybe someday I'll accept the fact no one can beat the man. You can have your fair share of victorious battles, which will and should be celebrated with vodka and bubbles. But the war against the man will never end, least of all in his defeat. None the less I, like many others like me, will continue the struggle in spite of the man and in the end I will feel victorious knowing that by my score I am the winner.

BEST SHOW ON TV

I have recently been introduced to what I have found to be the absolute best show on TV.......a little program called Three Sheets.

OVERVIEW:
The show features one Mr. Zane Lamprey, a monkey named Pleepleuos and occasionally his buddy Steve. (you should have taken two drinks with that sentence.) So Zane, some of you may know him from the food network show "Have Fork Will Travel", goes around to different places and drinks the local brew. Local brew can be anything from beer to snake infused vodka to champagne. It's crazy!

3 REASONS FOR GREATNESS:
1) The show is set up to be a drinking game. An informative drinking game but a drinking game none the less. Rules? You drink when Zane drinks, you drink when someone spots Pleepleous and any mention of Zane's friend Steve? Well that's a social my friends!
2) You learn stuff. What do you drink in Belize? How is Tequila made? Why is Irish Whiskey and Scottish Scotch different? Why is the lady grabbing guys balls?
3) The hot factor. This one's for the ladies. Take a look at Mr. Lamprey, super hot and funny and a well travelled drinker! What more could you want? Too bad he's taken!

YOU MUST RENT THESE DVD's PEOPLE!! Add them to the Netflicks NOW!!! Season 3 starts soon!

Sticks & Stones

Whoever made up the all to infamous school yard phrase "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" was an idiot. Granted they probably meant this to be applied to your average everyday playground name calling but when applied to grown-up life you find that words can cause just as much damage as any stick or stone. I've seen and experianced more damage done with words than with any other object. In the most profound way words are some of the most damaging things in the world. Let's have a short case study.....

Example #1: Don Imus and the "Nappy Headed Hoes"

Ahh Don, we listened to your crazy radio show and applauded your 20 years sobriety. Then you had to go callin' the Rugers Women's Basketball Team a bunch of nappy headed hoes. Ouch Don, that one stung a little.....drug your name through the mud and lost you your job. Wow, I bet you would have rather had some homeless guy throw a rock at you on your way to work that day. The time spent in the ER, the head ache and maybe a bit of memory loss would have been superior to those three magic words that flushed your career down the toilet that faithful day.


Example #2: Mel Gibson the Anti-Semite

We loved you in Lethal Weapon, rallied with your battle cries in Braveheart, found the government susupect with you in Conspirecy Theory, even believed for a second that you knew What Women want.... but oh how a few anti-Semetic words brought you down. Some like the to blame the vodka and the scotch and to them I say fair enough. I like to go straight to the source of the problem the complete disconnect between your brain and your big flapping piehole!! Anti-Semetic comments to an office or the law? While you are drunk? Come on now Mel....

Example #3: The Classic :"It's not you, it's me."

Totally meant to make the injured party feel better about a breakup, this phrase does nothing of the sort. You may as well say: "You know I really can't fucking stand you but listening to you cry is worse so I'll take the blame on this one." Or "I'm not man (or woman) enought to admit that you drive me fucking nuts."


REALLY, need I say more? I think not. Just remember next time you use your words to be sure and use them nicely.

Just another reason why California ROCKS!!!

Let's talk about the middle of this glorious country of ours shall we. Personally I find the people from there both lovable and charming, it's just too bad the weather out there isn't better. Call me a spoiled Californian, I don't care. All I have to say is a least I don't have to worry about my shit freezing if it's left outside for more than 5 minutes.

Here's the call I got today....over and over and over.

Caller: "Hi my name is (insert Midwestern name here, something like Bob Smith, or Baaaab Smith as they say it) and I received my most recent wine shipment today. I got two bottled and they are both frozen solid with the corks popped out."

Me: "Oh no, Bob sounds like you have quite the problem on your hands there. Was the wine left outside?"

Caller: "Well, the UPS man left it on my porch just an hour ago. It is pretty dern cold oot' there though, it's been well below freezing for the past few days."

Me: "Well Bob, sounds like I need to have a conversation with UPS. I will go ahead and send you out some replacement bottles this week..."

Caller: "Oh noo, I think you should hold onto them til this weather lets up."

Me: "OK, Bob when would you like them shipped?"

Caller: "Well, it should warm up here again in May or so, could you send them then?"

Me: "Yes Bob, yes I can."

Today is January 21st, and it's going to be that frick'in cold until MAY or so!?!?!? How do people live like this? F that! Snow and ice are miserable, VIVA CALIFORNIA!

Waste

I wrote this awhile ago but I find it pretty enjoyable. An ode to the cluster fuck that is DTJ's....

Good people of Napa lend me your ears!!!!
Ban this piece of crap restaurant! I won't even dignify it with the title of BAR b/c it's not worthy. First off, who are you Mr. DTJ to think you can get away with charging a cover in Napa? Tell you what I'll make you a deal, hold my five dollars and IF I can walk in a have a drink in my hand within 5 minutes you can keep it. If not, you should pay me for all the precious moments of my life that have been wasted waiting for your bartenders to quit handing out free drink to their buddies and breaking up fights.

Secondly, work on your bottle flipping skills on your own time. DTJ's bartenders are not Tom Cruise and this in not Cocktail. Make me my drink, do it right the first time then work on throwning the matchbook down the counter.

There is not one good thing about this place. They should just shut it down and turn it into an AA treatment center. Or maybe just doze it and make new parking lot, that would be handy for when I go down town to have a few cocktails at one of the more respectable bars.