Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
A light dusting of snow on Mount St Helena. Thursday, December 18th.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Finally, after a very disappointing non-Samantha filled birthday, I struck a deal with my parents. If I finished all of my times tables by Christmas break I could have Samantha. Before the dancing an twirling about begins, I should say that I am very very VERY bad a math and this is no exaggeration. The tables where a challenge but beginning September 11, 1987 I set about making them my bitch. I studied harder than any third grader should, often forgoing playing outside after school to work on the Tables. Samantha was more important than playtime. I was a child truly obsessed.
After weeks of studying and testing I finally passed my 12th and final table. After which I completely forgot what 12 times anything but 5 is. (Hey I told you I'm not into math, no judging!) I rode my Huffy bike home after school as fast as my vans could pedal, leaving my two younger brothers and their lame-o BMX bikes in the dust. I ran into the house triumphant, waving the 12th and final times table ditto over my head. Had I known the ditty "We are the Champions" I would have been singing it, unfortunately Queen didn't enter my life until much further down the line. I handed the paper to my mom and ran to my room for the American Girl catalog, today was the day Samantha would be mine! And she was, my mom placed the order that afternoon. Imagine my disappointment when I learned it would take 2-3 weeks for her to arrive!
From that day on I checked the porch for my Samantha box everyday. Being a girl just newly 7 years old I had no concept of how UPS works or the fact that tracking numbers existed. Had I known UPS would have for sure known me by name. After just about 2 weeks the magic day came. As I skreeched my Huffy to a halt in front of the house I saw it, the box on the porch, Samantha was finally here!! I threw my Huffy on the lawn and raced for the porch to collect my treasure. I swooped up the box and dashed inside the house coming to a crashing halt in the middle of the living room, yelling for my Mom with uncontrollable excitement. Mom mom helped me carefully open the box, freeing Samantha from her packaging. She was amazing and she looked just like all of her pictures. I was in total shock. I sat there on the living room floor holding Samantha for the rest of the afternoon. Matter of fact, I don't think she really left my side for the next several months. She cam to Thanksgiving, our family Christmas Party, Christmas (complete with a gift or 2 from "santa") and I think she even banged some pots and pans with me on New Years Eve.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
a) Goes on some sort of reality TV. Surreal Life, The Apprentice, Amazing Race.....something that man is a TV whore.
b) Comes out with an album and goes on tour with K-Fed.
c) Dates Lindsay Lohan. If anyone can take him away from Sam Joe can.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
(Garden Fairy, Pink Flamingo, Lawn Gnome, Virgin Mary, Flower, Lawn Jockey)
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
and kills stuff real good in sunny Mexico......
Monday, October 13, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Transportation is an issue for me...it's right up there with being on time and oversleeping. Some days I swear I'm shocked that I manage to get myself out of the house at all..... Saturday I started off my day by oversleeping (no big surprise there) and missing the 9am ferry I had intended to take into San Francisco, being a modern woman I adjusted my plan and settled for shooting for the 11:30 instead. A small change in plans never hurt anyone right? So, after managing to get myself out the door with 30 minutes to make it to the ferry, off I go bee-boppin' down the road. Or so I thought...no sooner had I turned out of my driveway than my gas light came on, double damn. I whipped into the station closest the house and filled little Stanley up, also treating him to a much needed window washing really her needs a full body scrub down but there was no time for that, windows had been a big enough luxury. Back in the car, it's now 11:05 and I'm breaking several speed limits trying to get my happy ass down to Vallejo to catch the damn ferry. All is going well until I hit traffic, caused by some dumb girl and her 2008 Honda Civic who rear ended a delivery truck. As I rubbernecked my way past the scene I glared at the tearful little idiot as she cried into her sell phone. Then I checked my clock 11:31.... damn no ferry for me today, I quickly made a detour to Hwy 37 toward San Francisco.
When you work at a speakeasy...apparently it give you license to be a stuck up BITCH to your customers. We had an hour and a half reservation at Bourbon and Branch on Saturday night. All of us were really excited and had picked out two rounds worth of drinks to try from their extensive and unique drink menu. Little miss bitchy waitress had other ideas though. We got one round of drinks and never saw her again until she dropped the check and velvet hammered us out of our booth. This is after we watched her yell at another patron for knocking on the library door with too much gusto, apparently she had not heard about the speakeasy rule to speak easy. It was a valiant effort at a good time but not so much. Errr....
Follow your local bike messenger...to a place filled with free flowing beer and outstanding tamales. After our failure at B&B we grabbed a cab out of the Tenderloin over to Zeitgiest. a fantastic dive bar in the mission. Gotta love a dive bar that prides itself on the fact that it's a dive bar. One round of Tequilla shots and 2 pitchers of beer later we were all well on our way to being happily drunk. We also tried the local fare, which included delicious grilled cheese sandwiches made by a dancing chef and tamales from the Tamale Lady. Umm delicious! Loved every moment of our cheese tamale! We also had a run in with some hotsauce that would bring the manliest of manly men to his knees.
When in Oktober....you must Fest. Sunday we hit up Oktoberfest by the Bay. Super fun as always. I have to say I prefer going Sunday to the other days because the craziness is a little less intense. True to tradition we drank giant beers, yelled many a prost, and played drinking games to our hearts content. Oktoberfest is the best holiday ever.
Feel free to......drop a donation in the basket or the performers clothing. Says the man who announces the belly dancers at the most awesome place I've been in quite sometime. Cafe Kan Zaman in the Haight. The theme is Middle Eastern and food here was fan-frickin-tastic and we enjoyed it while sitting on pillows. The minty ricey grape leaf thingeys were to die for and the lamb musaka was amazing. The crowning moment of the night was our Melon flavored hookah that we enjoyed after dinner. It's been a long time hookah, oh how I've missed you.
Friday, October 3, 2008
I'm super excited! We are going to the Bourbon & Branch Speakeasy in SF on Saturday night!! I so can't wait, it's going to be awesome. Full report laters......
Monday, September 29, 2008
1. The Outfits. No grown person needs to be wearing that much spandex in public. This goes double for all you sicko's over the age of 30 that think this bike apparel is for everyone. Umm it's not, and really I don't think you need to wear something so offensive outside of some sort of race. I've seen enough old man junk outlines in the past week to keep me for a lifetime. Fricken gross man, ewwww. And the butt pads? That the hell is that? If you are doing something that hurts your ass so bad you have to wear a pad maybe it's not such a good idea to begin with. Only exceptions will be made for Olympic bike racers, winner of the Tour de France and Michael Phelps (what can I say the boy does look amazing in a speedo). This crap is just a big FU to fashion and I refuse to condone it.
2. The Clippy Shoes. I realize is still a part of the outfit but these things are so awful and offensive I feel the need to give them there own category. In case you haven't noticed these things are f-ing annoying. Every time I hear the tippy tapping of the shoes coming behind me I know there is some annoying ass road biker looking to mooch water and not buy any wine. Also, what's wrong with normal shoes and normal bike petals? Do the clippy shoes make you faster?
3. The Lack of Common Courtesy. That's right I said it, you people are rude. You ride 4 across on busy mountain roads. You give dirty looks and/or the finger to cars when they get within 5 feet of you, pardon me for not wanting the cross over a double yellow line so you can continue swerving your merry ass all over the road. On top of that, you come into places smelling like a freakin' refugee, do us all a favor an wear deodorant.
4. You don't own the world b/c you own a bike. I know that this may be a hard concept for most of you to grasp but it's true. NO ONE cares that you road bike. NO ONE thinks it's cool. NO ONE wants to deal with serving your smelly, clippy shoed, spandex clad ass and answering your stupid questions.
5. Napa is not France. Yes we have some similarities to France but we are not them. Nor do we support your Tour de France wannabe endeavors. Every year it's the same crap, the Tour comes on and people bust out there bike and start riding roads they have no business on like they are Lance Fucking Armstrong. Trust me you will not be "Living Strong" when you get run off the road off a cliff on Montecello Road. Same thing on Silverado Trail and Highway 29. These are DANGEROUS ROADS people! You have zero right of way here, none. So stop complaining about it. You don't complain about having a bike path on I-5 and that's a pretty major road. Just because you want to enjoy the beauty of Napa from your bike seat does not mean you get to f-up everyone elses day.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
So confession time. Have I played with fire? Yes. Did I get burned? Not bad enough to leave any permanent scars. Would I do it again? Yes, in a heartbeat. Will I do it again? Every chance I get. Why? Because I can. And there my friends, there lies the number one benefit to adulthood.....because I can. Liberating is it not?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Check then out - http://cacornhole.com/jacki/
Thanks A-Law n' K-Diddles!
Monday, September 8, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
5pm - Arrived at Shady Mexican resort.
5:05 pm - Checked into Resort, receive drinking bracelet.
5:06pm - Inquired why there were men with guns outside.
5:07pm - Was informed there was a Mexican police Officers conference @ the resort.
8 pm - Freaked out b/c Benita was lost and got ready to call the American consulate.
8:01pm - Found Benita and cried. Went in search of tequila.
10pm - Wondered why the Mexican police men always walk around with their LARGE guns at the ready.
10:01 pm - Questioned my safety
11pm - Locked myself in my room and passed out due to travel exhaustion.
10am- Met Benita poolside and started drinking beers 2 at a time.
11am - Got into the pool and started drinking Tequila & Beer (yes that counts as one cocktail, don't judge me!)
11:05am - began making new friends at the pool while drinking Tequila & Beer.
5pm - Got out of the pool to find Benita, who has once again disappeared.
7pm - Passed out due to in take of Tequila & Beer.
I love being on vacation
Saturday, August 30, 2008
OK, I'm not being petty here but LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THE CHAMPAGNE GLASS????? It's TINY like a little elf glass! I also should inform you that it's sitting next to an 8 oz wine glass and it still looks tiny!! WTF??
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
The day started by picking up the bride at 8am, and hour I've been seeing WAY to often for a Saturday these days, then waiting for a half an hour for one of the bridesmaids to arrive. Can't blame her, it was a Saturday after all. Once everyone was wrangled into the car we set course for Great America for a day of rollercoasters and sneeky binge drinking. We arrived a hour late but Benita greeted us with fancy Bachelorette tank tops anyway. After donning our new duds we headed into the park camelpacks loaded with delicious booze.
After a few rides, Benita treated us all to a wonderful tri-tip sandwich picnic (and of course more cocktails) out in the parking lot. It was a fantastic time and WAY more affordable than the food inside the park, I highly recommend the parking lot picnic to all amusement park goers. Once we were all stuffed to the gills we headed back in for just one or two more rides before calling it a day. We hit up Top Gun (now called flight deck.....LAME) for our last ride of the day, it's still my favorite roller coaster ever. SO MUCH FUN.
We rolled back to the hotel for the free happy hour and helped ourselves to the free popcorn and 3 free drinks each. We even talked the bartendress into making us doubles. Once we polished off our cocktails Benita rounded us all up and back to the rooms. Once in our room Benita handed me a bag filled with the nights "goodies". I took one peek in the and fell in love with the neon pink wig on the top of the bag. I snatched it out and had it only head before you could say here comes the bride. "Benny I'm totally wearing this!" I shouted as I went to go get the girls in the other room as fired up about the night as I was. I topped my out fit off with a black dress (complete with plenty-o-cleavage) and some 4 inch heels.
The party, now clad in neon wigs and feather boa's, rolled out to the Cheesecake factory for a very late dinner. We waited almost 45 minutes for a table, this is after Diana (name not changed b/c she's a bitch) would not let us make a reservation over the phone, we were moved to waiting area #2 where we waited another 10 minutes to be seated. One can only imagine my level of annoyance at this point. Finally we got to out table to be greeted by a lovely young man named Tim (again name not changed, but b/c he was awesome). Tim and Benita hit it off very well and the troubles of getting a table were son forgotten.
Dinner and several cocktails later (thanks Timmy for keeping the booze train on track) we teetered out of the Cheesecake Factory onto the streets of San Jose. MOH Benita lead us all into downtown San Jo to the worlds tiniest, most local karaoke bar ever! Allow me to set the scene, 8 bachelorettes, dolled up for a night on the town roll into a "fancy" dive bar where drunken Google employees are belting out "Crocodile Rock" at the top of there lungs. I was unaware that is was possible to sign that song out of tune but somehow they managed it. So sticking out like sore thumbs we wiggled our way to the bar and got drinks preparing ourselves to show up the Google IT department. Then, much to our shigrin, we learned the the Karaoke list was full for he night. BUST! We then downed our cocktails and teetered back to the cars to go back to the Hotel for our own Karaoke party.
Once we got back to the hotel we were all asleep in less than a half hour. How lame are we? Sucks getting old!
Friday, August 22, 2008
Hit up the second Residency show at The Utah in SF on Tuesday night. If you haven't been run, don't walk to grab tickets for the last show next Tuesday 8/26. I'll be there against my better judgement.
We walked in early to get a table in the front and to my surprise and delight there he was! Just standing out amoung the people shooting the breeze! What an awesome guy right? Anyway, we sat through the opening groups, they were OK. Then on comes Rocco and for the next 45 minutes the entire house was in rapture. Loved it all and can't wait to go back fro show #3 next week!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
I'm not one to boast but I have come to believe that I have the most amazing talent in the world (or I'm just amazingly lucky, either way it's pretty sweet). In my 11 years of driving in this precious little town of Napa I've been pulled over 8 times and only received 1 ticket. And I can tell you honestly that every single one of those times I have deserved a ticket, and expected to get one. But for some reason the men and women of the Napa Police and Sheriffs Departments will not give me a ticket. It's a miracle! If you are from Napa, you will know that this is a feat akin to Moses parting the Red Sea. The Napa Fuzz is hardcore!Saturday, July 5th. 9:45pm
After stopping to watch some lovely fireworks along the Silverado Trail my friends an I were bee-boppin' down the Silverado Trail when suddenly, out of nowhere, there's a big white fluffy demon dog in the road. AHHHH! I swerve to avoid hitting it and punch it to get the heck outta there. My heart is now pumping about a kagillion miles a minute and I continue to step on the gas, we're now speeding down the Silverado Trail in excess of 80mph. We just pass Darioush when my heart rate returns to normal.
Two minutes from home, I'm breathing easy now but still speeding. I glance in my rear view mirror to see the all too familiar lights of Napa's Finest. I take my foot off the gas and cruise on over tot the side of the road. I dig for my license while Jerome (yeah that's a fake name) digs through my glove compartment for my registration.
**TAP TAP TAP***
"Where's the fire young lady?" Very upset looking officer says leaning over my driver side window.
"Home." I say, my voice filled with 'please don't take me to jail'.
"I'm going to need you license and registration..."
I hand him my ID, proof of insurance and registration looking very shameful. He walks back to his cruiser to check them. I take a deep breath and look over at my passengers and tell them, "I'm for sure going to get a ticket......" The car is silent and the Officer returns to the window.
"Please step out of the car Miss."
HO-LY CRAP!!! I can't believe it, I'm going to jail, oh crap oh crapity shit fuck.......
"Now step over her and we are going to do a little test. Feet and ankles together and I want you to follow the tip of my pen with your eyes......" Says the Officer while he shines his bright ass flashlight in my face. Keep in mind this guy looks like Officer Farva from Super Troopers, meow. He starts the test and I LOCK my eyeballs onto the pen cap following side to side, up and down and in a circle until it kind of hurts. "Alright you can go back to your car."
Flashlight down and I can breathe again. I scurry back to my car leaving him with a very shameful "thank you". I get back in the car and turn to my friends "The good news is I'm not drunk." I get two very tentative smiles but that's good enough given the situation.
I hear the Officer's footsteps coming back toward the car and turn to the window to become nose to paper with my ID, Insurance and registration. I slowly take them back from him, again looking very very shameful. Then the magic happens "I'm going to save you a couple hundred dollars since you've been so nice. You just try and keep it under the speed of sound."
IT'S A 5th of July MIRACLE!!!
Bless you Officer Farva you big beautiful man!!!
Then I drove my ever so slightly buzzed ass home. :)
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
"I thought I'd still be in extreme pain. But I feel nothing.
I'd like some more nothing. [Miranda pours her some more Skyy
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
My own brother has been on the outs with my family because he's been so self centered lately. It's all about him, what makes him happy, what he wants......pisses everyone off. Today I realized that he's got it right. Why bother putting time and energy into other people that are just going to disappoint you in the end by not showing you the same consideration? It's pointless and to be totally honest pretty fucking hurtful.
So today I've decided that there is nothing wrong with always looking out for ole' numero uno. I've been considerate and nice for too long with nothing to show for it. Sorry Golden Rule, but it's time I start putting me first and quit just expecting other people to do the right thing by me. Is it selfish? YES. Is wrong? NO. Do I care what you think? NOT ANYMORE.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
After days of packing, loading and unloading the move was finally complete. I packed the last few odds and ends along with my cleaning supplies into the truck and took on last look around the old digs. I'll admit, at this point I was getting a little emo. I had had a lot of good times in that place, lots of memories. Then crazy decided to strike...
I turned around to see the old woman from across the street coming over with her dog. Crap! I had made eye contact, there was no way out of this conversation. I smiled and gave her one last friendly neighborhood greeting.
Crazy Lady: "Do you own this place?"
Me: "Um, no my parents do. Did you need something?"
CL: "I need to speak to the landlord, who do I speak to?"
Me: "You can speak to me, I'm the property manager. What is it?" Slowly backing away....
CL: "There was someone moving here late last night and my bricks are gone."
Me: "That was my roommate. Are you implying that she stole your bricks?"
CL: "Those bricks were a barrier to keep the speeders off my property, it's not safe you know. Speeding. I just want to keep the neighborhood safe."
Me: "Well, I can assure you that none of us took you bricks. As you've seen we have enough stuff to move as it is."
CL: "I bet it was that man the rummages on our street, he used to work for Mr. ______ and now he rummages. I know because Mr. _____ told me and I know him personally.......well, not intimately, I'm a married woman."
Me: "Okaaaaay. Well, it was nice talking with you. I need to get back to moving. Thanks for keeping the neighborhood safe."
CL:"I have to apologize, I don't have my teeth in. They are new and they hurt."
Me: "Oh, ahhh....That's OK."
CL: "I have to keep the kids out of the street and make that dog (referring to the other neighbor's dog) stop barking. His owner was killed you know. And I was going to take him but he;s too much for me to handle you know....."
Me: "Yeah he is pretty loud. Well, like I said back to moving. You have a good day."
CL: "Joe! Oh Joe! we nee dot keep that new dog of yours quiet." As she wanders off to the other neighbors house.
And that sealed the deal, I no longer miss that house or the crazy ass neighbors.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
I can't say that I choose to do what I do it's a labor of love because it's truly not, I don't think you can love something that's not yours and you definitely can't love something that belongs to the man. What's the point in putting so much of yourself into something just to have the man make you feel insignificant. Looking at it all now I would have to call it a labor of need, I need to feel like I 'm making a difference, like I'm making things better than they were before and I need to feel success in spite of the man. And wanting to succeed in spite of the man is what fuels my fire, keeping me hard at work with no stamps in my passport and more clothes than I will ever have room for in my closet.
Maybe someday I'll accept the fact no one can beat the man. You can have your fair share of victorious battles, which will and should be celebrated with vodka and bubbles. But the war against the man will never end, least of all in his defeat. None the less I, like many others like me, will continue the struggle in spite of the man and in the end I will feel victorious knowing that by my score I am the winner.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
The show features one Mr. Zane Lamprey, a monkey named Pleepleuos and occasionally his buddy Steve. (you should have taken two drinks with that sentence.) So Zane, some of you may know him from the food network show "Have Fork Will Travel", goes around to different places and drinks the local brew. Local brew can be anything from beer to snake infused vodka to champagne. It's crazy!
3 REASONS FOR GREATNESS:
1) The show is set up to be a drinking game. An informative drinking game but a drinking game none the less. Rules? You drink when Zane drinks, you drink when someone spots Pleepleous and any mention of Zane's friend Steve? Well that's a social my friends!
2) You learn stuff. What do you drink in Belize? How is Tequila made? Why is Irish Whiskey and Scottish Scotch different? Why is the lady grabbing guys balls?
3) The hot factor. This one's for the ladies. Take a look at Mr. Lamprey, super hot and funny and a well travelled drinker! What more could you want? Too bad he's taken!
YOU MUST RENT THESE DVD's PEOPLE!! Add them to the Netflicks NOW!!! Season 3 starts soon!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Example #1: Don Imus and the "Nappy Headed Hoes"
Ahh Don, we listened to your crazy radio show and applauded your 20 years sobriety. Then you had to go callin' the Rugers Women's Basketball Team a bunch of nappy headed hoes. Ouch Don, that one stung a little.....drug your name through the mud and lost you your job. Wow, I bet you would have rather had some homeless guy throw a rock at you on your way to work that day. The time spent in the ER, the head ache and maybe a bit of memory loss would have been superior to those three magic words that flushed your career down the toilet that faithful day.
Example #2: Mel Gibson the Anti-Semite
We loved you in Lethal Weapon, rallied with your battle cries in Braveheart, found the government susupect with you in Conspirecy Theory, even believed for a second that you knew What Women want.... but oh how a few anti-Semetic words brought you down. Some like the to blame the vodka and the scotch and to them I say fair enough. I like to go straight to the source of the problem the complete disconnect between your brain and your big flapping piehole!! Anti-Semetic comments to an office or the law? While you are drunk? Come on now Mel....
Example #3: The Classic :"It's not you, it's me."
Totally meant to make the injured party feel better about a breakup, this phrase does nothing of the sort. You may as well say: "You know I really can't fucking stand you but listening to you cry is worse so I'll take the blame on this one." Or "I'm not man (or woman) enought to admit that you drive me fucking nuts."
REALLY, need I say more? I think not. Just remember next time you use your words to be sure and use them nicely.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Here's the call I got today....over and over and over.
Caller: "Hi my name is (insert Midwestern name here, something like Bob Smith, or Baaaab Smith as they say it) and I received my most recent wine shipment today. I got two bottled and they are both frozen solid with the corks popped out."
Me: "Oh no, Bob sounds like you have quite the problem on your hands there. Was the wine left outside?"
Caller: "Well, the UPS man left it on my porch just an hour ago. It is pretty dern cold oot' there though, it's been well below freezing for the past few days."
Me: "Well Bob, sounds like I need to have a conversation with UPS. I will go ahead and send you out some replacement bottles this week..."
Caller: "Oh noo, I think you should hold onto them til this weather lets up."
Me: "OK, Bob when would you like them shipped?"
Caller: "Well, it should warm up here again in May or so, could you send them then?"
Me: "Yes Bob, yes I can."
Today is January 21st, and it's going to be that frick'in cold until MAY or so!?!?!? How do people live like this? F that! Snow and ice are miserable, VIVA CALIFORNIA!
Monday, January 7, 2008
Good people of Napa lend me your ears!!!!
Ban this piece of crap restaurant! I won't even dignify it with the title of BAR b/c it's not worthy. First off, who are you Mr. DTJ to think you can get away with charging a cover in Napa? Tell you what I'll make you a deal, hold my five dollars and IF I can walk in a have a drink in my hand within 5 minutes you can keep it. If not, you should pay me for all the precious moments of my life that have been wasted waiting for your bartenders to quit handing out free drink to their buddies and breaking up fights.
Secondly, work on your bottle flipping skills on your own time. DTJ's bartenders are not Tom Cruise and this in not Cocktail. Make me my drink, do it right the first time then work on throwning the matchbook down the counter.
There is not one good thing about this place. They should just shut it down and turn it into an AA treatment center. Or maybe just doze it and make new parking lot, that would be handy for when I go down town to have a few cocktails at one of the more respectable bars.