Joe is a toolbag.

We all have heard and seen this freakin' tool bag Joe the Plumber. I'm not going to lie, I don't know him but I hate him....seriously I do. I could care less about his political leanings or his view on Obama's tax plan. This guy is a total deadbeat media whore and I can't believe anyone, **cough McCain cough**, would want to align themselves with him. My point was proven yesterday when Mr. Douchey-McToolbag stood up his new BFF at his Stump speech. Let's just put it this way, given his track record if John McCain was picking a dodge ball team the best players would actually get picked last. But yeah, go ahead and vote for his dumb ass Joe, show America how to be a real man.

We all know toolbags love the spotlight, so now that he's all famous and stuff (although his fame is nearing an end with the election only 5 days away) I'd bet $20 that Joe the Toolbag does one of the following in the next few months....

a) Goes on some sort of reality TV. Surreal Life, The Apprentice, Amazing Race.....something that man is a TV whore.

b) Comes out with an album and goes on tour with K-Fed.

c) Dates Lindsay Lohan. If anyone can take him away from Sam Joe can.

If he was realistic he would shut his freakin' pie hole and just be happy with the fact that he will be both a question AND and answer in the next release of Trivial Pursuit.

We rule...

Not even Martha would think of theme costumes this awesome. Ladies and gentleman, I give you the Chateau Loco Lawn Ornaments.....

(Garden Fairy, Pink Flamingo, Lawn Gnome, Virgin Mary, Flower, Lawn Jockey)

It melts Lori's heart....

When I hold babies.

Sorry Lor, I wouldn't put any money on it ever being my own baby that I'd be holding. But Neeta-Colleen's wee one and I are pretty cute! I like him cuz' he's got a thing for beer.....

And the Blame goes to....

Dear Mr. F150 Driver,

Thank you so much for deciding to take the law into your hands and chase down the hoodlums who broke your windshield. It's citizens like you that are really keeping the crime down in these parts.

Thanks for driving WAY over the speed limit on Big Ranch Road. After all, speed limit signs have no meaning once you've taken the law into your own hands.

Gracias for losing control of your overly pimped out truck, jumping over the middle divider and slamming into the car in front of me. I'm sure your girlfriend was super impressed with your mad skills.

Big thumbs up for doing whatever it was you did to rip the bottom bumper off the front of my car, that took some real talent. Stan really appreciates it, why would he want to have that extra protection anyway..... now he might be light enough to street race.

Oh and I can't say how happy I am with the searing back pain you've given me or the fact that I get to deal with my lovely insurance agent. I'm thrilled, no really I can't thank you enough.

On the upside, I've discovered Absolute New Orleans is an excellent pain killer. :)

While the rest of us toil away....

Brother Blake gets his drink on

and kills stuff real good in sunny Mexico......

Sometimes life just isn't fair. No, I'm not jealous or bitter that he's on a sweet vacation...not at all, working is awesome.

Martha Weekend Update & Fig Jam

Figs picked: 2 large bowls

Jars of jam made: 30

Loads of laundry done: 5

Minutes spent vacuuming up spiders: More than I'd like to count

Martini's downed: several

Overall: One Successful Martha Weekend

I kicked off my weekend making jam. Which I was pretty stoked about, I even got out of bed on a Saturday before noon on my own will to take this endeavor on (shocking to those that truly know me, I know). First I harvested some figs from our GIGANTOR fig tree outside the house. I would be surprised if that thing is a day under 50. This was a challenge as there were some spots where my little foot stool would sink into the grass causing me to topple over (stop snickering). But after about a half an hour or so I had two full bowls of delicious figs.

Once inside I set up camp in the kitchen and started peeling figs, which was fun at first but as the hours wore on became quite tiresome. Luckily I recruited a roommate or two to help me, after all Martha needs her minions! Once the figs were peeled and chopped the cooking process could begin. Carefully I measured out 6 cups of figs and 7 cups of sugar!!! Mixed in some pectin, lemon juice and cinnamon....BAM! You've got yourself some jam baby!!! After jarring it up I spent the next several hours on the couch, beer in hand feeling very satisfied with myself. Fig Jam for everyone this Christmas!!

Getting my Martha on

I will be attempting to make Fig Jam this weekend. Our two huge fig trees are just bursting with fruit right now so what better time to try right. This will be my first attempt a canning anything so it should be pretty interesting to say the least! I feel so Martha Stewart I can hardly stand myself.....and I like it.

Full report on the Fig Jam adventure ASAP. It's a good thing.

Weekend Wrap-up

Two days in SF....with a hookah on top!

Transportation is an issue for me...it's right up there with being on time and oversleeping. Some days I swear I'm shocked that I manage to get myself out of the house at all..... Saturday I started off my day by oversleeping (no big surprise there) and missing the 9am ferry I had intended to take into San Francisco, being a modern woman I adjusted my plan and settled for shooting for the 11:30 instead. A small change in plans never hurt anyone right? So, after managing to get myself out the door with 30 minutes to make it to the ferry, off I go bee-boppin' down the road. Or so I thought...no sooner had I turned out of my driveway than my gas light came on, double damn. I whipped into the station closest the house and filled little Stanley up, also treating him to a much needed window washing really her needs a full body scrub down but there was no time for that, windows had been a big enough luxury. Back in the car, it's now 11:05 and I'm breaking several speed limits trying to get my happy ass down to Vallejo to catch the damn ferry. All is going well until I hit traffic, caused by some dumb girl and her 2008 Honda Civic who rear ended a delivery truck. As I rubbernecked my way past the scene I glared at the tearful little idiot as she cried into her sell phone. Then I checked my clock 11:31.... damn no ferry for me today, I quickly made a detour to Hwy 37 toward San Francisco.


When you work at a speakeasy...apparently it give you license to be a stuck up BITCH to your customers. We had an hour and a half reservation at Bourbon and Branch on Saturday night. All of us were really excited and had picked out two rounds worth of drinks to try from their extensive and unique drink menu. Little miss bitchy waitress had other ideas though. We got one round of drinks and never saw her again until she dropped the check and velvet hammered us out of our booth. This is after we watched her yell at another patron for knocking on the library door with too much gusto, apparently she had not heard about the speakeasy rule to speak easy. It was a valiant effort at a good time but not so much. Errr....


Follow your local bike messenger...to a place filled with free flowing beer and outstanding tamales. After our failure at B&B we grabbed a cab out of the Tenderloin over to Zeitgiest. a fantastic dive bar in the mission. Gotta love a dive bar that prides itself on the fact that it's a dive bar. One round of Tequilla shots and 2 pitchers of beer later we were all well on our way to being happily drunk. We also tried the local fare, which included delicious grilled cheese sandwiches made by a dancing chef and tamales from the Tamale Lady. Umm delicious! Loved every moment of our cheese tamale! We also had a run in with some hotsauce that would bring the manliest of manly men to his knees.


When in Oktober....you must Fest. Sunday we hit up Oktoberfest by the Bay. Super fun as always. I have to say I prefer going Sunday to the other days because the craziness is a little less intense. True to tradition we drank giant beers, yelled many a prost, and played drinking games to our hearts content. Oktoberfest is the best holiday ever.


Feel free to......drop a donation in the basket or the performers clothing. Says the man who announces the belly dancers at the most awesome place I've been in quite sometime. Cafe Kan Zaman in the Haight. The theme is Middle Eastern and food here was fan-frickin-tastic and we enjoyed it while sitting on pillows. The minty ricey grape leaf thingeys were to die for and the lamb musaka was amazing. The crowning moment of the night was our Melon flavored hookah that we enjoyed after dinner. It's been a long time hookah, oh how I've missed you.

Shhhhh....

Speakeasy.

I'm super excited! We are going to the Bourbon & Branch Speakeasy in SF on Saturday night!! I so can't wait, it's going to be awesome. Full report laters......


www.bourbonandbranch.com