Friday, December 14, 2007

The Las Vegas of Websites

No Rants Today, just lists......

Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE craigslist. You can find anything you want on there at any time of day or night, it's the Las Vegas of websites. It's sad but true that "The List" and MSN are the only two websites I read/visit with any sort of regularity. Thanks to the list I've found concert tickets, furniture, roommates, etc. the list goes on and on. Above all I have gotten hours and hours of entertainment from it. That said here's my list of entertaining stuff to do on/with Craigslist. Happy listing!

1. Christmas Party Challenge: Nothing says holiday fun like going to Christmas parties. And who says you only have to go to your own office party! Search The List for "christmas party" and let the good times roll! There's always people looking for dates to formal functions on there! You can even make it a competition, make a pact with your friends and see how many parties you can go to between Thanksgiving and Christmas! For the record, I got my butt handed to me on this challenge but I would totally do it again!

2. BEST OF CL: This portion of the list is just pure gold! Read them for fun or search current posting for new ads to nominate. View classics like "FOR SALE: get well balloon, slightly deflated but perfect for grandma." Just goers to show you how creative people can be.

3. Shopping a Corridor: Are you a commuter, limo driver or frequent airport goer? Use your hours in the car to your advantage and shop your corridor! Check the list for free/cheap stuff along your driving route. Need 40 rolls of black plastic? Pick it up in Emeryville on your way to the A's game. Searching for a weight bench to buff your body? Give Perdo in Vallejo a call and pick it up before you head over to Costco. It's all about multi-tasking people.

4. The Show Me Your Junk Challenge: This is a fantastic drinking game! Adults only, please. The game requires two or more players, here's the deal. Each player writes and posts an ad in the CL Personals Casual Encounters section. Based on their ad, that player then has to guess how many responses they will get, WITH PHOTOS, in a set amount of time. For example I would say, "I can get 20 dick pics in 10 minutes with this ad." Then sit back and enjoy the fun! If you are going head to head, your opponenet must take a drink everytime you get a photo. Different levels of drinks can be assigned to different kinds of photos. You would be surprised at what people will put out there on the internet!

5. Posting for Boredom: Write a story and post it on The List. The responses you get will easily keep you entertained for hours.

That's all now get out there and surf The List!!

DISCLOSURE: Be careful with the list, there are A LOT of freaks and pervs out there! Be safe and surf smart!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

10 Things guys do to make themselves unattractive.

I was reading a gossip magazine today and flipped by a photo of Jeffery Dean Morgan (Denny, for all you Grey's fans) with a mustache. Suddenly, all of my lust for him was gone. Replaced by total and utter shock and displeasure. Why Denny? Why mar such a beautiful face?? I dedicate this rant to you; hopefully someday you will find your razor and once again be attractive.

10 Things Guys do to Make Themselves Unattractive.

1. Growing facial hair that is not age/personal style appropriate. We all have to agree that there is a time in everyman’s life where a mustache just doesn't fly. This is an older man's facial hair, leave "the stash" to the Silver Foxes it's really all they've got. And the mountain man beard, unless you actually cut down trees, hunt bears and take them down bare handed and/or fish for a living, again this is a no. Yes, facial hair growing competitions will win you points with your buddies but who would you rather go home with, Pretty Girl or your Awesome Mustachio Buddy Bruce? The choice is yours gentleman.

2. Mother Worship. I understand that this is a touchy subject, but fella's you got to cut the cord! There is a real difference between having a loving respect for your mother (thumbs up) and wanting to remain her little pumpkin head forever (thumbs down). Mom's are important, we get it, we love our moms too (most of the time) but you have to know where to draw the line and when to take down the alter.

3. Burping/Farting as a Competitive Sport. Did your college roommates cheer when you rattled the single pain windows of the Frat house after doing your tenth Keg stand? Can one booty blast of yours clear a room? Not cool dude! There has to be an age limit on how long you can do this, I'm going to go with 25. No man past he age of 25 should burp or fart competitively. And let's talk about the vicious double standard here? Say your lady accidentally farts in your presence (trust me, this would be and accident), what do you do? Laugh it off and give her the high five that Bruce would receive? Or would you be absolutely disgusted? I'm going to put my money on #2.

4. Fiscal Irresponsibility. Don't bitch at your lady when she goes out and buys a hot new dress with shoes to match. After all, you are sitting in a brand new lazy boy, in front of your larger than life plasma TV, watching the game on your ultimate football package, while playing the latest version of Madden on your high tech gaming system during the commercials, right? All of which are critical to your existence and will need to be replace with the next generation as soon as it comes out. Remember, most sporting events only last an hour but Minolo's are forever she's just made an investment.

5. You'll Never be that Cool. DiNiro, Pacino, Brando, Duvall, Stalone, Irwin, The Dude, Joe Francis, etc. Give it up guys, you will never be this cool or that bad ass. These men are professionals, NO WAIT, these men are legends....there can be only one Highlander.

6. Motor-Lust. Bigger, Faster and Harder don't always turn a girl on. This goes for any sort of plane, train or automobile. No girl no matter how cool she is or how much she loves speed wants to compete for your attention with your vehicle. So gear heads, do a girl a favor and make sure she knows she's your #1.

7. The Last Frontier. Holding onto your childhood fantasy's is not healthy and George Lucas is a not a good writer. Star Track and Star Wars are not a way of life. Klingon cannot be listed as a second language. These programs are not history, they are pop culture. You will never score major babes worshiping Capt. Kirk, Spock, Luke, Hann Solo or even the ever loveable Chuey.

8. Funny T-Shirts. Ahhh nothing says "Hey, I'm a catch!" like your favorite Jesus is my Homeboy graphic T. Here's the rule on these boys, because believe it or not the ladies do think they are funny; retire the graphic T's after graduation (I suggest passing them down to your Frat brothers or donating them to the homeless. I bet the toothless guy on Broad would love to rock you retired Chicken SH$* shirt). The only exception to this rule you design video games or do some sort of extreme sport, in which case keep the shirt until you retire and don't wear them to Aunt Lucy's for Christmas.

9. Bad Table Manners. When did table etiquette go out the window? These things are simple to master and I know your loving mother at least showed them to you once, if not here then Grandma for sure. Here's the basics; when eating elbows should remain off the table, napkins should be in laps (not tucked into anything....ever)and used to wipe away any smudge of food, never ever lick the fingers, chew with your mouth closed, avoid smacking the lips or clicking your utensils on the teeth, backs should be straight, if making conversation stop eating to make your comments then continue while listening to your dinner partner, never reach over anyone for anything, always pass left, use forks from the inside out and finally always be gracious to the cook/host no matter how bad the food was.

10. Comparing Your Lady to Anyone in the VS Catalog or a Porn Video. It's just not fair; those women are freaks of nature.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Occupation: Couch Surfer/Party Ho

When I first moved home I was determinded to keep my "I lived in the outside world" cool points for as long as possible. I had rules, guidelines...standards if you will. Napa, however has this amazing ablity to become the great equalizer, slowly the town itself chips away at your will power creating weak points. These weak points, my friends, is where the problems start.

It had been 2 months and 13 days since I graduated from college and I still hadn't found a "real job". You can just imagine how thrilled my parents must have been. "This is our over educated daughter, who lays on our couch and watches Sex in the City in between naps and bouts of binge drinking." Really, these were just shining moments for me. The fact that my daily activites could usually be counted on one hand was, I feel, an accomplishment. Wake up, check email, make cocktail ,watch tv and occasionally go out. I mean really, being fabulous on the Napa night scene by night and a couch surfin degenerate by day wasn't all that bad. I don't know what my parents had to complain about, I did cook almost nightly if that's not ample repayment for them putting me through school so I can lay in their couch for months I don't know what is!

There's a lot to be said for being a lady of leisure. Sleeping til the late morning, spending most of your day in clothes that don't match. Who needs to work hard to be rich when you can be poor and wear loungers every day, right? Sadly, on day 74 my days of channel surfing and job hunting ended as I entered the world as a real working adult. I was the lowest of the low, a bar back. A college educated, degree carrying barback. Oh the glory! Thank you Napa, for putting me back in my place.