Dear Martha,

I have a very love/hate relationship with you (yeah nice photo-op with the friggin' reindeer). When I was young I was certain you were the devil. Then you did some jail time and I admired your mad street-cred. I supported your comeback, telling myself you have paid your debt to society. Now there are days where I think you are some sort of cruel joke the universe is playing on the women of America. And I question my own morals for being a fan. Who do you think you are getting all home economics on me and setting impossible standards? I swear one of these days it's going to come out that you and Beyonce are from some robot factory that makes perfect women run by Mattthew Brodrick and Christopher Walken.

I recently received this as my Martha Stewart Cookie of the Day Recipe. Note that this is some sort of peanut buttle bar thing with a woven chocolate top, cut into perfectly perfect squares. YOU BITCH. This little email blast of yours has sent me into a blind rage.No seriously, how the hell am I supposed to make that? Run home and create some sort of woven cookie sheet for all of my peanut butter bar needs? Damn you Martha, damn you straight to hell.

I also watched you talk over then hang up on the new White House Chef. It was very "You are the weakest link......GOODBYE!" I'm not sure what the guy did to piss you off but you were ready for a commercial break and had no interest in whatever he had to say in closing. I think you need to get some interview skills from Barbra Walters or Connie Chung.

In short, please improve the 'tude and send me recipes that don't make me hate myself.

Thank you, good day.