10 Things guys do to make themselves unattractive.

I was reading a gossip magazine today and flipped by a photo of Jeffery Dean Morgan (Denny, for all you Grey's fans) with a mustache. Suddenly, all of my lust for him was gone. Replaced by total and utter shock and displeasure. Why Denny? Why mar such a beautiful face?? I dedicate this rant to you; hopefully someday you will find your razor and once again be attractive.


10 Things Guys do to Make Themselves Unattractive.


1. Growing facial hair that is not age/personal style appropriate. We all have to agree that there is a time in everyman’s life where a mustache just doesn't fly. This is an older man's facial hair, leave "the stash" to the Silver Foxes it's really all they've got. And the mountain man beard, unless you actually cut down trees, hunt bears and take them down bare handed and/or fish for a living, again this is a no. Yes, facial hair growing competitions will win you points with your buddies but who would you rather go home with, Pretty Girl or your Awesome Mustachio Buddy Bruce? The choice is yours gentleman.

2. Mother Worship. I understand that this is a touchy subject, but fella's you got to cut the cord! There is a real difference between having a loving respect for your mother (thumbs up) and wanting to remain her little pumpkin head forever (thumbs down). Mom's are important, we get it, we love our moms too (most of the time) but you have to know where to draw the line and when to take down the alter.

3. Burping/Farting as a Competitive Sport. Did your college roommates cheer when you rattled the single pain windows of the Frat house after doing your tenth Keg stand? Can one booty blast of yours clear a room? Not cool dude! There has to be an age limit on how long you can do this, I'm going to go with 25. No man past he age of 25 should burp or fart competitively. And let's talk about the vicious double standard here? Say your lady accidentally farts in your presence (trust me, this would be and accident), what do you do? Laugh it off and give her the high five that Bruce would receive? Or would you be absolutely disgusted? I'm going to put my money on #2.

4. Fiscal Irresponsibility. Don't bitch at your lady when she goes out and buys a hot new dress with shoes to match. After all, you are sitting in a brand new lazy boy, in front of your larger than life plasma TV, watching the game on your ultimate football package, while playing the latest version of Madden on your high tech gaming system during the commercials, right? All of which are critical to your existence and will need to be replace with the next generation as soon as it comes out. Remember, most sporting events only last an hour but Minolo's are forever she's just made an investment.

5. You'll Never be that Cool. DiNiro, Pacino, Brando, Duvall, Stalone, Irwin, The Dude, Joe Francis, etc. Give it up guys, you will never be this cool or that bad ass. These men are professionals, NO WAIT, these men are legends....there can be only one Highlander.

6. Motor-Lust. Bigger, Faster and Harder don't always turn a girl on. This goes for any sort of plane, train or automobile. No girl no matter how cool she is or how much she loves speed wants to compete for your attention with your vehicle. So gear heads, do a girl a favor and make sure she knows she's your #1.

7. The Last Frontier. Holding onto your childhood fantasy's is not healthy and George Lucas is a not a good writer. Star Track and Star Wars are not a way of life. Klingon cannot be listed as a second language. These programs are not history, they are pop culture. You will never score major babes worshiping Capt. Kirk, Spock, Luke, Hann Solo or even the ever loveable Chuey.

8. Funny T-Shirts. Ahhh nothing says "Hey, I'm a catch!" like your favorite Jesus is my Homeboy graphic T. Here's the rule on these boys, because believe it or not the ladies do think they are funny; retire the graphic T's after graduation (I suggest passing them down to your Frat brothers or donating them to the homeless. I bet the toothless guy on Broad would love to rock you retired Chicken SH$* shirt). The only exception to this rule you design video games or do some sort of extreme sport, in which case keep the shirt until you retire and don't wear them to Aunt Lucy's for Christmas.

9. Bad Table Manners. When did table etiquette go out the window? These things are simple to master and I know your loving mother at least showed them to you once, if not here then Grandma for sure. Here's the basics; when eating elbows should remain off the table, napkins should be in laps (not tucked into anything....ever)and used to wipe away any smudge of food, never ever lick the fingers, chew with your mouth closed, avoid smacking the lips or clicking your utensils on the teeth, backs should be straight, if making conversation stop eating to make your comments then continue while listening to your dinner partner, never reach over anyone for anything, always pass left, use forks from the inside out and finally always be gracious to the cook/host no matter how bad the food was.

10. Comparing Your Lady to Anyone in the VS Catalog or a Porn Video. It's just not fair; those women are freaks of nature.