Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Damn you CNN.....

I tuned into CNN online today to watch Barack be sworn in. After jumping through several hoops to get the player going I got this message....

Damn you CNN, damn you and your fancy Internet streaming video! You forced me to go old school and listen to the inauguration of the radio like my grandmother. I curse you CNN, Curse you to live out all of your days reporting on dull uninteresting topics. May FOX NEWS break all major stories from now until the end of time!!

Only highpoint, watching G-Dub and his plastic face wife leave the Whitehouse for good. Peace out bitch!



Monday, January 19, 2009

Dear Martha,


I have a very love/hate relationship with you (yeah nice photo-op with the friggin' reindeer). When I was young I was certain you were the devil. Then you did some jail time and I admired your mad street-cred. I supported your comeback, telling myself you have paid your debt to society. Now there are days where I think you are some sort of cruel joke the universe is playing on the women of America. And I question my own morals for being a fan. Who do you think you are getting all home economics on me and setting impossible standards? I swear one of these days it's going to come out that you and Beyonce are from some robot factory that makes perfect women run by Mattthew Brodrick and Christopher Walken.
I recently received this as my Martha Stewart Cookie of the Day Recipe. Note that this is some sort of peanut buttle bar thing with a woven chocolate top, cut into perfectly perfect squares. YOU BITCH. This little email blast of yours has sent me into a blind rage.No seriously, how the hell am I supposed to make that? Run home and create some sort of woven cookie sheet for all of my peanut butter bar needs? Damn you Martha, damn you straight to hell.

I also watched you talk over then hang up on the new White House Chef. It was very "You are the weakest link......GOODBYE!" I'm not sure what the guy did to piss you off but you were ready for a commercial break and had no interest in whatever he had to say in closing. I think you need to get some interview skills from Barbra Walters or Connie Chung.
In short, please improve the 'tude and send me recipes that don't make me hate myself.
Thank you, good day.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

It will me mine.


I've decided that I will me winning the new 2009 HGTV Dream Home. All of you other hopefuls can just stop your needless entering now. Here's my new house.....




You can take a tour of my new house here. I think my favorite part is the kitchen, and the outdoor kitchen. Can you say PAR-TAY??

I'll be accepting reservations for summer in Sonoma as soon as I have my new keys. You can also go online now ans select what gifts HGTV is giving me for my housewarming party.


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Future leader of the free world?

Or Batman?

You decide.

Thank god Bush never went on vacation in Hawaii.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Damn it's cold.


So cold that there's ice on the stairs? CHECK

So cold that there's ice on the walkway? CHECK


So cold it's freaking snowing in the NAPA VALLEY??? CHECK friggin CHECK!

A light dusting of snow on Mount St Helena. Thursday, December 18th.

Friday, November 21, 2008

I LOL'd

I LOL'd right out loud when I saw this.

Seriously, I can't control my laughter and I don't know why. Happy Friday

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The end of an era....

When I was in the 3rd grade I only wanted one thing, an American Girl Doll. Samantha Parkington, to be very specific. I read all the books for all the American Girls but Samantha was by far my favorite. I spent hours pouring over the American Girl catalog marking my preferred Samantha set up and leaving it about the house for my Mom to find, hoping she would get the hint.

Finally, after a very disappointing non-Samantha filled birthday, I struck a deal with my parents. If I finished all of my times tables by Christmas break I could have Samantha. Before the dancing an twirling about begins, I should say that I am very very VERY bad a math and this is no exaggeration. The tables where a challenge but beginning September 11, 1987 I set about making them my bitch. I studied harder than any third grader should, often forgoing playing outside after school to work on the Tables. Samantha was more important than playtime. I was a child truly obsessed.

After weeks of studying and testing I finally passed my 12th and final table. After which I completely forgot what 12 times anything but 5 is. (Hey I told you I'm not into math, no judging!) I rode my Huffy bike home after school as fast as my vans could pedal, leaving my two younger brothers and their lame-o BMX bikes in the dust. I ran into the house triumphant, waving the 12th and final times table ditto over my head. Had I known the ditty "We are the Champions" I would have been singing it, unfortunately Queen didn't enter my life until much further down the line. I handed the paper to my mom and ran to my room for the American Girl catalog, today was the day Samantha would be mine! And she was, my mom placed the order that afternoon. Imagine my disappointment when I learned it would take 2-3 weeks for her to arrive!

From that day on I checked the porch for my Samantha box everyday. Being a girl just newly 7 years old I had no concept of how UPS works or the fact that tracking numbers existed. Had I known UPS would have for sure known me by name. After just about 2 weeks the magic day came. As I skreeched my Huffy to a halt in front of the house I saw it, the box on the porch, Samantha was finally here!! I threw my Huffy on the lawn and raced for the porch to collect my treasure. I swooped up the box and dashed inside the house coming to a crashing halt in the middle of the living room, yelling for my Mom with uncontrollable excitement. Mom mom helped me carefully open the box, freeing Samantha from her packaging. She was amazing and she looked just like all of her pictures. I was in total shock. I sat there on the living room floor holding Samantha for the rest of the afternoon. Matter of fact, I don't think she really left my side for the next several months. She cam to Thanksgiving, our family Christmas Party, Christmas (complete with a gift or 2 from "santa") and I think she even banged some pots and pans with me on New Years Eve.
A few days ago, my Mom asked me about Samantha. She said that people were selling their American Girl dolls on eBay for mucho dinero and wondered if I had checked to see the value of my doll. Naturally I checked as soon as I got back to my computer. Much to my surprise I made two very shocking discoveries....1) Original Samantha's (pre-Matel) are worth over $300 and 2)American Girl is retiring Samantha Parkington this year! I can't believe they are retiring such a wonderful Doll! Good thing I'll have my Samantha for future Wood girls to enjoy and I'll never have to say goodbye to such a wonderful childhood friend.