Marshmallows are a sticky situation....

Anyone that knows me knows I hate marshmallows. They are disgusting and I can't even get them anywhere near my mouth area without wanting to barf. However, it has recently come to light that my gag reflex is OK with homemade marshmallows. Imagine that and the world of marshmallow things that could potentially become available to me! OK so it may just be s'mores but still that's exciting.

Last night I found out that once again, Martha Stewart can bite me, because marshmallows are not as easy to make as they seem. . . . . .or maybe I shouldn't be drinking while making them. Needless to say batch #1 was a total failure! Don't you worry marshmallows, I'll be back to conquer you with a vengence. . . . . . . .as soon as I get a stand mixer.

Damnit Martha......

Seriously? Who has time for this crap? I really want to like you but you are going to need to stop sending me INSANE craft ideas like this, it's making me feel like a subpar human being and crafter.....

Crafting and such.....

Few things from my crafty world today.....

1) Last night I finished the crocheted part of my crazy Japanese pattern bag. It's really inspired me to go out and find more of these patterns b/c it looks so cool. Now all I have to do it line it but it's going to be SICK. Look out friends, I may be mass producing these and gifting them so put in your color preference now!

Get the pattern and so many more here (for free!).

2) I have found the best craft site ever in the history of the world. OK that's a bit dramatic, but I'm all about it right now. http://www.esty.com/ Visit it, love it, buy my crap.

3) And for today's "What-the-fuck-ever-Martha" moment I give you this.......

Yeah, that's a rose made out of tissue paper, like I'm supposed to have time to just whip that shit up in my spare time. Damn you Martha, just when I feel like I'm getting on top of my crafting game you raise the bar. Damn you infernal woman!

HOWEVER, I do feel that my bag is way cooler than this sillly paper flower so there! :)

4) BIG PLANS tonight, Snuggies have been pimped and are ready to take SF by storm! Bring it on Polk Street! I'll report back later with tales of our evening....

Dear Martha,

I have a very love/hate relationship with you (yeah nice photo-op with the friggin' reindeer). When I was young I was certain you were the devil. Then you did some jail time and I admired your mad street-cred. I supported your comeback, telling myself you have paid your debt to society. Now there are days where I think you are some sort of cruel joke the universe is playing on the women of America. And I question my own morals for being a fan. Who do you think you are getting all home economics on me and setting impossible standards? I swear one of these days it's going to come out that you and Beyonce are from some robot factory that makes perfect women run by Mattthew Brodrick and Christopher Walken.

I recently received this as my Martha Stewart Cookie of the Day Recipe. Note that this is some sort of peanut buttle bar thing with a woven chocolate top, cut into perfectly perfect squares. YOU BITCH. This little email blast of yours has sent me into a blind rage.No seriously, how the hell am I supposed to make that? Run home and create some sort of woven cookie sheet for all of my peanut butter bar needs? Damn you Martha, damn you straight to hell.

I also watched you talk over then hang up on the new White House Chef. It was very "You are the weakest link......GOODBYE!" I'm not sure what the guy did to piss you off but you were ready for a commercial break and had no interest in whatever he had to say in closing. I think you need to get some interview skills from Barbra Walters or Connie Chung.

In short, please improve the 'tude and send me recipes that don't make me hate myself.

Thank you, good day.

Martha Weekend Update & Fig Jam

Figs picked: 2 large bowls

Jars of jam made: 30

Loads of laundry done: 5

Minutes spent vacuuming up spiders: More than I'd like to count

Martini's downed: several

Overall: One Successful Martha Weekend

I kicked off my weekend making jam. Which I was pretty stoked about, I even got out of bed on a Saturday before noon on my own will to take this endeavor on (shocking to those that truly know me, I know). First I harvested some figs from our GIGANTOR fig tree outside the house. I would be surprised if that thing is a day under 50. This was a challenge as there were some spots where my little foot stool would sink into the grass causing me to topple over (stop snickering). But after about a half an hour or so I had two full bowls of delicious figs.

Once inside I set up camp in the kitchen and started peeling figs, which was fun at first but as the hours wore on became quite tiresome. Luckily I recruited a roommate or two to help me, after all Martha needs her minions! Once the figs were peeled and chopped the cooking process could begin. Carefully I measured out 6 cups of figs and 7 cups of sugar!!! Mixed in some pectin, lemon juice and cinnamon....BAM! You've got yourself some jam baby!!! After jarring it up I spent the next several hours on the couch, beer in hand feeling very satisfied with myself. Fig Jam for everyone this Christmas!!

Getting my Martha on

I will be attempting to make Fig Jam this weekend. Our two huge fig trees are just bursting with fruit right now so what better time to try right. This will be my first attempt a canning anything so it should be pretty interesting to say the least! I feel so Martha Stewart I can hardly stand myself.....and I like it.

Full report on the Fig Jam adventure ASAP. It's a good thing.