Listen here....

you clippy shoed bastards! That's right I'm talking at all you damn road bikers out there. Nothing sends me into a blind rage quicker than a pack of you self entitled a-holes riding four across in MY LANE!!! Think I'm unjustified? Here's my list of annoying ass shit that you do to prove my point.

1. The Outfits. No grown person needs to be wearing that much spandex in public. This goes double for all you sicko's over the age of 30 that think this bike apparel is for everyone. Umm it's not, and really I don't think you need to wear something so offensive outside of some sort of race. I've seen enough old man junk outlines in the past week to keep me for a lifetime. Fricken gross man, ewwww. And the butt pads? That the hell is that? If you are doing something that hurts your ass so bad you have to wear a pad maybe it's not such a good idea to begin with. Only exceptions will be made for Olympic bike racers, winner of the Tour de France and Michael Phelps (what can I say the boy does look amazing in a speedo). This crap is just a big FU to fashion and I refuse to condone it.

2. The Clippy Shoes. I realize is still a part of the outfit but these things are so awful and offensive I feel the need to give them there own category. In case you haven't noticed these things are f-ing annoying. Every time I hear the tippy tapping of the shoes coming behind me I know there is some annoying ass road biker looking to mooch water and not buy any wine. Also, what's wrong with normal shoes and normal bike petals? Do the clippy shoes make you faster?

3. The Lack of Common Courtesy. That's right I said it, you people are rude. You ride 4 across on busy mountain roads. You give dirty looks and/or the finger to cars when they get within 5 feet of you, pardon me for not wanting the cross over a double yellow line so you can continue swerving your merry ass all over the road. On top of that, you come into places smelling like a freakin' refugee, do us all a favor an wear deodorant.

4. You don't own the world b/c you own a bike. I know that this may be a hard concept for most of you to grasp but it's true. NO ONE cares that you road bike. NO ONE thinks it's cool. NO ONE wants to deal with serving your smelly, clippy shoed, spandex clad ass and answering your stupid questions.

5. Napa is not France. Yes we have some similarities to France but we are not them. Nor do we support your Tour de France wannabe endeavors. Every year it's the same crap, the Tour comes on and people bust out there bike and start riding roads they have no business on like they are Lance Fucking Armstrong. Trust me you will not be "Living Strong" when you get run off the road off a cliff on Montecello Road. Same thing on Silverado Trail and Highway 29. These are DANGEROUS ROADS people! You have zero right of way here, none. So stop complaining about it. You don't complain about having a bike path on I-5 and that's a pretty major road. Just because you want to enjoy the beauty of Napa from your bike seat does not mean you get to f-up everyone elses day.

Walk talk into the fire....

Play with fire and you will get burned....an old adage that I find to not always be true. Granted playing with fire may leave you a bit singed and quite possibly leave a hole or two in your favorite sweater but necessarily burned per say.

I've been thinking about this whole "playing with fire" thing a lot lately, trying to pinpoint when one decides it's OK to do things that they know aren't a good decision. It starts small, like buying fancy soap because it smells better, even though the regular soap smells just fine. Or enjoying a cigarette, despite the fact that it's a disgusting habit and sure to kill you, but you only do it when you drink so somewhere it's justified. Flirt with someone who's attached just to see what happens. See how far you can push until your world bursts into flames. Millions of tiny rebellions over the years that eat away at your moral core. Then, one day you wake up and you realize just how many little moral compromises you've made to become who you are today. Try as you may to justify them there's no putting it all to rights again.

So confession time. Have I played with fire? Yes. Did I get burned? Not bad enough to leave any permanent scars. Would I do it again? Yes, in a heartbeat. Will I do it again? Every chance I get. Why? Because I can. And there my friends, there lies the number one benefit to adulthood.....because I can. Liberating is it not?

Most Bad-Ass present ever...

Best birthday present ever!!!! And fun for the whole family. I heart them hardcore, I'm just counting the days til we can try them out at the A's tailgate next season!!

Check then out - http://cacornhole.com/jacki/

Thanks A-Law n' K-Diddles!

The Most Beautiful Bride of the Season!

One can only aspire to be this put together. :)

My two BFF's from college got married this weekend! She was the prettiest bride ever and I, of course, was a bridesmaid. This was by far one of the best weddings ever! Aside from the bride looking amazing and my fellow bridesmaids giggling through the whole ceremony, the bride and her sisters preformed "the lift" a la Dirty Dancing!

Congratulations A & J! Love you both!

Tequila and International Law Enforcement.

A brief overview of my first to days in Mexico.....

Sunday
5pm - Arrived at Shady Mexican resort.
5:05 pm - Checked into Resort, receive drinking bracelet.
5:06pm - Inquired why there were men with guns outside.
5:07pm - Was informed there was a Mexican police Officers conference @ the resort.
8 pm - Freaked out b/c Benita was lost and got ready to call the American consulate.
8:01pm - Found Benita and cried. Went in search of tequila.
10pm - Wondered why the Mexican police men always walk around with their LARGE guns at the ready.
10:01 pm - Questioned my safety
11pm - Locked myself in my room and passed out due to travel exhaustion.

Monday
10am- Met Benita poolside and started drinking beers 2 at a time.
11am - Got into the pool and started drinking Tequila & Beer (yes that counts as one cocktail, don't judge me!)
11:05am - began making new friends at the pool while drinking Tequila & Beer.
5pm - Got out of the pool to find Benita, who has once again disappeared.
7pm - Passed out due to in take of Tequila & Beer.

I love being on vacation

A cruel joke.

OK, Just got home form wedding #3 of the season. Feel free to tell me if I'm out of line here but I was a little bit offended when I saw this "thing" sitting where my Champagne glass was supposed to be.

OK, I'm not being petty here but LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THE CHAMPAGNE GLASS????? It's TINY like a little elf glass! I also should inform you that it's sitting next to an 8 oz wine glass and it still looks tiny!! WTF??

Roller Coasters, Pink wigs and Kareoke Bars

As you all know I've been on the wedding circuit for the past several months, no scratch that...past several years. Bridal showers, brunches, rehearsal dinners, bachelorette parties pre-wedding, post-wedding, wedding wedding wedding!!! This past weekend was no different, spent the same way every other weekend of my single existence, at a Bachelorette party. This one was thrown by my good friend Benita, who has turned out to the MOH (that's Maid of Honor for all you lucky non wedding goers) de juor.


The day started by picking up the bride at 8am, and hour I've been seeing WAY to often for a Saturday these days, then waiting for a half an hour for one of the bridesmaids to arrive. Can't blame her, it was a Saturday after all. Once everyone was wrangled into the car we set course for Great America for a day of rollercoasters and sneeky binge drinking. We arrived a hour late but Benita greeted us with fancy Bachelorette tank tops anyway. After donning our new duds we headed into the park camelpacks loaded with delicious booze.


After a few rides, Benita treated us all to a wonderful tri-tip sandwich picnic (and of course more cocktails) out in the parking lot. It was a fantastic time and WAY more affordable than the food inside the park, I highly recommend the parking lot picnic to all amusement park goers. Once we were all stuffed to the gills we headed back in for just one or two more rides before calling it a day. We hit up Top Gun (now called flight deck.....LAME) for our last ride of the day, it's still my favorite roller coaster ever. SO MUCH FUN.



We rolled back to the hotel for the free happy hour and helped ourselves to the free popcorn and 3 free drinks each. We even talked the bartendress into making us doubles. Once we polished off our cocktails Benita rounded us all up and back to the rooms. Once in our room Benita handed me a bag filled with the nights "goodies". I took one peek in the and fell in love with the neon pink wig on the top of the bag. I snatched it out and had it only head before you could say here comes the bride. "Benny I'm totally wearing this!" I shouted as I went to go get the girls in the other room as fired up about the night as I was. I topped my out fit off with a black dress (complete with plenty-o-cleavage) and some 4 inch heels.


The party, now clad in neon wigs and feather boa's, rolled out to the Cheesecake factory for a very late dinner. We waited almost 45 minutes for a table, this is after Diana (name not changed b/c she's a bitch) would not let us make a reservation over the phone, we were moved to waiting area #2 where we waited another 10 minutes to be seated. One can only imagine my level of annoyance at this point. Finally we got to out table to be greeted by a lovely young man named Tim (again name not changed, but b/c he was awesome). Tim and Benita hit it off very well and the troubles of getting a table were son forgotten.

Dinner and several cocktails later (thanks Timmy for keeping the booze train on track) we teetered out of the Cheesecake Factory onto the streets of San Jose. MOH Benita lead us all into downtown San Jo to the worlds tiniest, most local karaoke bar ever! Allow me to set the scene, 8 bachelorettes, dolled up for a night on the town roll into a "fancy" dive bar where drunken Google employees are belting out "Crocodile Rock" at the top of there lungs. I was unaware that is was possible to sign that song out of tune but somehow they managed it. So sticking out like sore thumbs we wiggled our way to the bar and got drinks preparing ourselves to show up the Google IT department. Then, much to our shigrin, we learned the the Karaoke list was full for he night. BUST! We then downed our cocktails and teetered back to the cars to go back to the Hotel for our own Karaoke party.

Once we got back to the hotel we were all asleep in less than a half hour. How lame are we? Sucks getting old!