Listen here....

you clippy shoed bastards! That's right I'm talking at all you damn road bikers out there. Nothing sends me into a blind rage quicker than a pack of you self entitled a-holes riding four across in MY LANE!!! Think I'm unjustified? Here's my list of annoying ass shit that you do to prove my point.

1. The Outfits. No grown person needs to be wearing that much spandex in public. This goes double for all you sicko's over the age of 30 that think this bike apparel is for everyone. Umm it's not, and really I don't think you need to wear something so offensive outside of some sort of race. I've seen enough old man junk outlines in the past week to keep me for a lifetime. Fricken gross man, ewwww. And the butt pads? That the hell is that? If you are doing something that hurts your ass so bad you have to wear a pad maybe it's not such a good idea to begin with. Only exceptions will be made for Olympic bike racers, winner of the Tour de France and Michael Phelps (what can I say the boy does look amazing in a speedo). This crap is just a big FU to fashion and I refuse to condone it.

2. The Clippy Shoes. I realize is still a part of the outfit but these things are so awful and offensive I feel the need to give them there own category. In case you haven't noticed these things are f-ing annoying. Every time I hear the tippy tapping of the shoes coming behind me I know there is some annoying ass road biker looking to mooch water and not buy any wine. Also, what's wrong with normal shoes and normal bike petals? Do the clippy shoes make you faster?

3. The Lack of Common Courtesy. That's right I said it, you people are rude. You ride 4 across on busy mountain roads. You give dirty looks and/or the finger to cars when they get within 5 feet of you, pardon me for not wanting the cross over a double yellow line so you can continue swerving your merry ass all over the road. On top of that, you come into places smelling like a freakin' refugee, do us all a favor an wear deodorant.

4. You don't own the world b/c you own a bike. I know that this may be a hard concept for most of you to grasp but it's true. NO ONE cares that you road bike. NO ONE thinks it's cool. NO ONE wants to deal with serving your smelly, clippy shoed, spandex clad ass and answering your stupid questions.

5. Napa is not France. Yes we have some similarities to France but we are not them. Nor do we support your Tour de France wannabe endeavors. Every year it's the same crap, the Tour comes on and people bust out there bike and start riding roads they have no business on like they are Lance Fucking Armstrong. Trust me you will not be "Living Strong" when you get run off the road off a cliff on Montecello Road. Same thing on Silverado Trail and Highway 29. These are DANGEROUS ROADS people! You have zero right of way here, none. So stop complaining about it. You don't complain about having a bike path on I-5 and that's a pretty major road. Just because you want to enjoy the beauty of Napa from your bike seat does not mean you get to f-up everyone elses day.