Damn you CNN.....

I tuned into CNN online today to watch Barack be sworn in. After jumping through several hoops to get the player going I got this message....

Damn you CNN, damn you and your fancy Internet streaming video! You forced me to go old school and listen to the inauguration of the radio like my grandmother. I curse you CNN, Curse you to live out all of your days reporting on dull uninteresting topics. May FOX NEWS break all major stories from now until the end of time!!

Only highpoint, watching G-Dub and his plastic face wife leave the Whitehouse for good. Peace out bitch!

Dear Martha,

I have a very love/hate relationship with you (yeah nice photo-op with the friggin' reindeer). When I was young I was certain you were the devil. Then you did some jail time and I admired your mad street-cred. I supported your comeback, telling myself you have paid your debt to society. Now there are days where I think you are some sort of cruel joke the universe is playing on the women of America. And I question my own morals for being a fan. Who do you think you are getting all home economics on me and setting impossible standards? I swear one of these days it's going to come out that you and Beyonce are from some robot factory that makes perfect women run by Mattthew Brodrick and Christopher Walken.

I recently received this as my Martha Stewart Cookie of the Day Recipe. Note that this is some sort of peanut buttle bar thing with a woven chocolate top, cut into perfectly perfect squares. YOU BITCH. This little email blast of yours has sent me into a blind rage.No seriously, how the hell am I supposed to make that? Run home and create some sort of woven cookie sheet for all of my peanut butter bar needs? Damn you Martha, damn you straight to hell.

I also watched you talk over then hang up on the new White House Chef. It was very "You are the weakest link......GOODBYE!" I'm not sure what the guy did to piss you off but you were ready for a commercial break and had no interest in whatever he had to say in closing. I think you need to get some interview skills from Barbra Walters or Connie Chung.

In short, please improve the 'tude and send me recipes that don't make me hate myself.

Thank you, good day.

It will me mine.

I've decided that I will me winning the new 2009 HGTV Dream Home. All of you other hopefuls can just stop your needless entering now. Here's my new house.....

You can take a tour of my new house here. I think my favorite part is the kitchen, and the outdoor kitchen. Can you say PAR-TAY??

I'll be accepting reservations for summer in Sonoma as soon as I have my new keys. You can also go online now ans select what gifts HGTV is giving me for my housewarming party.